I move home a week from today! Tonight I did my last dish chore, depending on what chores I sign up for on Sunday for Finals week... So, hopefully it was my last dish chore. I think I'll do headclean or something like that next week.

I need to get out of here sooo bad. I'm nearly going insane. Can't wait to move out of this house...

It's kinda sad... wont really have anything that I'm going to miss here in Corvallis. Meh, oh well.

Gah, I'm so not ready for finals... that's the last thing I want to be working on now. I only have one class left though, so I really can't complain. Once I have everything together it wont be so bad. It's just getting there...

I'm tired. One week, just one week... THANK GOD! :)

Gahhh

I'm so ready for school to be done...

I'm really beginning to dislike riding my bike on campus. Too many damn people who don't know that they are supposed to stay out of the bike lane so us bikers can get by without running into a car in the next lane. So freaking annoying. Or the people who just slowly linger across the road while on their cell phones... it's getting harder to dodge people. Or I had one random guy purposely jump out in front of me; I should have just run over his ass. Argh!

Anywho, less than a month of school left! So excited! Knowing that there are only three weeks left of classes after this is making it harder to get through each week. And the fact that I'll most likely never be going to school here again makes the count down only seem longer.

I can't wait to move into Portland, that'll be pretty sweet. Looking forward to working at PR again. Which reminds me... need to call in to have my name put back in the schedule.

Hmm... it needs to be Thursday... I live for my weekends... :)

Week 6

Been working on stuff for a midterm for about 8 hours today, I think it's time I took a break. Actually, I just finished what I was doing, now I just need a break before I move onto something else. My head is pounding and I'm tired already. This isn't right... I just got up less than 10 hours ago... after sleeping for about 12 hours though...

Last night I had this totally psychotic, yet twisted and quite interesting, dream. It was one of those dreams where you start out in a certain complicated scenario and work it out over a course of events only to end up right back where you started; a never-ending loop. I was quite enjoying myself in the dream and thought it was the coolest thing when I found myself in the same place as where I had started, with a few events changing here and there once I started again. So weird.

I'm so tired of school. Six more weeks... Just gotta keep telling myself that. Anywho, besides school there are a crapload of other things on my mind, such as where I'm going to school next year, figuring out living situations once I get that figured out, legal issues with accounts, cell phone, and currently, whether I should take tylenol pm or a couple of ibuprofen :P

It seems like there was something else, but it has slipped my mind for the time being.

My head hurts too much to think, maybe a shower will help...

Swimming, Superman, and Dairy Queen Ice Cream

Do you ever dream of going back in time and reliving what you now know as the "good ol' days"? Now, I might not be old enough to really say much, but I do however have enough childhood memories to remember what life was like during those innocent years, where as a child, you don't really know what to appreciate at the time and just go on living life in ignorance of the "real world". Some of my favorite times as a child were going to swimming lessons in the afternoon and then going to Dairy Queen for ice cream afterwards. Once home, the family would settle down to watch "Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman" and everyone was just happy. The realism of how life really is just doesn't even enter a child's mind. As a child, you don't really know any better.

I just got done watching part of an old superman episode and it brought back so many memories, good ones too. As you grow older, you obviously learn how the world really is and many people want nothing more than to just go back and hide in the innocence of their youth. Wouldn't that make life so much easier? But then again, you'd never get anywhere with that. In order to get anywhere we need to actually live our lives instead of having someone else guide us the whole way. Nowadays we are constantly making our own decisions, which seems to always test whether we know what's best or not. And from there is where the life we live is made. Pretty self explanatory.

It's amazing how fast you can grow up in just a few years outside of high school. Making your own decisions based upon what the world consists of and events you've gone through. You can't hide behind your parents any more and leave the worries for them to take care of or talk you through them. Or perhaps you can't even go to your parents any more because their ideal ways of life don't match yours. You fail at their expectations, making life stressful. Or even the loss of respect may take place as your parents part ways and the pressures of agreeing with each one just tears you apart. You may not agree with one, and just cant ever win em' both. That makes it even more difficult to communicate. No one ever said life was going to be easy.

Lately, I've been faced with making some pretty crucial decisions and let me tell you, it's definitely not easy when neither of your parents are backing you up and think you are just making a huge mistake. These decisions are pretty much going to tell me where I will be for the next few years of my life (possibly moving back to Portland). Even my brother chewed me out yesterday. It's just hard when I see something that could potentially be better in the end, and hardly anyone else sees it. I believe that if I really put my all into something and carry out what I say I'm going to do, then I'll be just fine. Now it's just getting those others who once believed in me before, to believe in me again.

I'm so thankful for the people who believe in me and are telling me that it's alright for me to make my own decisions that I think would be best for my life. I need to be able to make my own choices and feel good about them, that's what growing up is all about right? And sure, I'll make mistakes, no doubt about that. But if I don't try something, how will I ever know? "He who never makes mistakes, never makes new discoveries." I'm all about that. I suppose I could say coming to OSU was a mistake, or that living in this house in Corvallis was a mistake, but, if I hadn't made those choices, I probably wouldn't know what I'd prefer and didn't. If that makes any sense at all (in other words, I wouldn't have appreciated Portland as much as I do now). Looking back, I'm now appreciating what I had beforehand and it makes me smile to look back at those times that were hard yes, but were also full of good times and opportunity if I had just put my mind to it. I still have a lot of thinking to do, but I gotta look at the big picture in order to get my future figured out.

In the end, I think I'd be fine going back to Portland. Not every employer could possibly hate PSU. I think I'd be able to find a job somewhere, but my parents don't seem to think so since PSU has a "bad rep". Pshht. I can do it. But like I said, I'd really have to put my all into it, and honestly, I'd be happier there and I'm pretty sure I would. School here in Corvallis is depressing and just isn't and won't ever be "home". I've tried having the right mindset, but it's just so hard. Money is another issue that I'll have to face, which I've thought about for some time. I know others who are probably even more in debt than I'll be in, and I know that they have the power to make it, and so do I.

Life's just tough all around. Growing up isn't easy, won't ever be easy, but it's quite the learning experience.

It's times like these where I'd love nothing more to go swimming, get some vanilla ice cream dipped in chocolate, and go home and sit down and watch old superman episodes. Funny how the most simple and silly things in life seem the most relieving, huh?

P.S. To those of you who have been backing me up, thank you for the support and for helping bring up my confidence in myself. It truly means a lot to me :)

And yet another weekend has flown by. I really wish they wouldn't go by so quickly.

I currently feel like crap. Coming down with a cold. Ugh.

Oh well.

I want to write more, but my mind has gone blank. I need to take a nap.

Scratch that

So... this whole past weekend didn't go like I thought it would, but then again, when does it ever? Actually, it turned out a whole lot better than expected, which was totally awesome.

"For the parts that I was there." Hmm. That doesn't happen too often. I should probably work on that a little bit... for both my mom's and dad's places.

So Thursday Beck and I took off for Portland and stayed at Mary's. Skipped Bio on Friday, obviously, and just hung around Ptown. Oh my God it was awesome and so relieving. Got to see my boy Friday and ended up staying at his place a few nights - went home somewhere in between.

Saturday, Armaan and I went to my dad's to visit for a bit. Saw all the relatives. It was pretty nice. Seems like they are all doing pretty well.

Sunday, Easter, spent the day with Armaan's family. Had a really good time. Even went on a little easter egg hunt around his grandparent's place. I found it rather amusing that the five of us "kids" were at least 16 years old and walking around the house with our little baggies looking for eggs. Hehe. :)

Went back to my dad's Sunday night and then took off this morning (Monday) for Corvallis. Yay for school... Almost slept in Bio, managed to stay awake in Health Fitness and then came back to the house and slept for four hours (didn't get much sleep last night at my dad's...).

I want this term to be over so bad and it's only week 2. Gah.

Walking throughout PSU on Friday made me want to go back so bad. And it brought back so many memories. Saw some people I recognized from past classes. Almost felt like any other ordinary day from last year, minus the whole drama that surrounded my every being. Saw my fountain and even that brought memories to mind... like the time it came back on in the spring and I called Mary in a very excited attitude (almost shouting and screaming)... she thought I was getting raped or something since she told me to call her if I ran into troubles... (it was late at night...), freaked the hell out of her haha. Oh good times...

And then staying with Armaan was relieving and just totally awesome (as always, hehe). :) Makes it harder to leave every time though...

Well, I should get back to school work... I have a crapload... lots of reading to do woot woot.

I should start a countdown, like I had two summers ago at Cannon Bitch, err..., I mean, Beach. Yah. Hmm.

Week 1, Day 4

This term is going to be packed full of hw/tests/projects/etc. I've already signed up for a group speech/project on STDs in Southeast Asia that I'll give during week 4. We got to meet with our group members for not even five minutes before class was over (half that time was spent walking around room finding our group members cause the professor didn't do a very good job of separating out the different topics), so hopefully we get to meet up again next class so we can begin thinking things out.

I get to go home tomorrow woot woot. Gotta clean my room up and go get some various errands done. This Easter is going to be weird and very different from years past. Guess I'll learn to adjust. I just have this constant nagging feeling that something is going to be said or brought up during this weekend among family members and I'm just going to explode. I think some of my relatives have definitely been given wrong information about the whole issue between my parents, and so if it comes up, I'm not letting it slide by. It seems like a constant battle between my parents, each having to defend themselves before others and what's been said. And then when they ask my opinion, oh how I wish they wouldn't. It's so hard on a child's life when they do that. Argh.

I have so much anger built up, gah. It seems like it's never going to leave. And church just makes me even angrier. I'm tired of hearing about divorce, and other things that pertain to family issues. I don't have anything against the church in general, I'm just having trouble finding peace at one. I always end up taking what the pastor says and direct it exactly to what has been happening/is happening within my family. Oftentimes, I just want to leave and cry. It's so frustrating. Gah. This weekend is going to be difficult with the family, but as far as church goes, they should be talking about the resurrection, so it should be ok.

Anywho, today is a nice day. It's beautiful outside. I want to go read outside, but I would just get so sidetracked, I'd never get any of it done.

I decided to work at PR again this summer. Got a hold of my ol' supervisor and got the ok. I know I hated it, but really, I knew what I was doing, and yes, I did have fun. I just can't see myself working at the Zoo all summer long. It was fun and all, but honestly, it kind of just got boring seeing the same things over and over again. And then the kids... they are cute and all, but I found it kind of hard entertaining them. I'm not that outgoing enough to be "fun" for them all day long. Oh well. Hopefully some of the ol' crew members from PR last summer will return. We had some awesome times... hehe

I think I'm going to go reminisce in Portland this weekend. And do a little shopping hehe. I've been good lately. Might splurge just a little or continue being a good girl and just window shop. This is all assuming my dad doesn't mind... I'm sure he'll want me there the whole weekend or I'll end up taking sisters/cousins with me. Hmm. We'll see how that goes. On the other hand, I could instead spend Saturday working on my computer. Hmm. That would be more beneficial.

I should really read now.

Oh, I'm in a fitness class this term... Not really looking forward to the activities that involve sports. I hate playing in sports. I'd rather do noncompetitive fitness things, which, we will do, but not the entire time. Meh, guess we'll see how it goes.

Ok, really reading now... ugh.

I'm hungry

Today has been rather good I suppose; on a productive level that is. I've gotten more organized. Earlier I couldn't even function because the little space that I have in this room was cluttered. I was just going insane, so while Beck spent her, oh, maybe 3+ hours or so on my computer, I whirled around the room (and around her) organizing everything.

Then tonight, I was trying to be productive, seeing that I had reading due already for one of my classes tomorrow, but just couldn't manage to get through the material. The reading was just absolutely ridiculous. It was almost like reading a play by Shakespeare. It didn't make any sense, and was talking about events/people from back in the 1300's ish area - in which I was just completely lost. I looked over the other books, tried reading the material; it was a no-go. It is a history class mind you, and therefore it doesn't catch my fancy. I've spent part of my evening looking up other classes, and rearranging my schedule so I could drop this one. Finally figured it out.

Being back in Corvallis sucks - BIG TIME!

The ins and outs of working with animals (kids included)

I must say that this past "spring break" has been quite a tiresome and interesting one. I thought working at the zoo would be pretty cool, and in some ways it was, but overall, it majorly took away from my time off and relaxation; instead, it added stress and exhaustment (I love how I just made that word up...) to my life. I came back "home" pretty tired every evening just ready to crash, and once I finally did, it was time to get back up again for another long day.

Actually, to be quite honest, the days went by fairly quickly. I think it was the moving from one thing to the next that made the day just seem to fly by, which didn't bother me any. Yesterday was moving along pretty fast, even for a friday, up until one little gal had a sign fall on her head, cutting her head, creating a bloody mess and sending the rest of the afternoon into a stressful situation. Besides that, the rest of the week was "mellow" in that sense.

In the other sense, "mellow" doesn't even come close to the correct terminology for thirty little first graders running all over the place. Insane is more like it. The little devils were good on some days and then just simply worse devils on other days. There wasn't one snacktime that went by without some sort of spill ('cept for the very last one in which no juice was served, hence no spills!). There were always the "know-it-alls", the bully, the loud mouths, the quiet, etc.

There was this one little gal who was just absolutely adorable and wanted to sit on my lap while I was reading to all the little munchkins (spelling on that anyone...?) At one point I had two kids on my lap, or they'd run up to me, grab on to me, just hug me, grab for my hand walking around, or chanting out how they wanted to be in my group for the day. These were the good, cute times with the kids; otherwise, they were running all over the place, causing havoc, and I was constantly counting them to make sure none of them had run off.

My coworkers were interesting to say the least. Not sure if I really fit in with the atmosphere or not. It worked for the week, but I just don't see myself fully into that sort of character. Hard to explain, but it makes sense in my head.

Overall, I guess I'm glad I had the experience; it was money at least. I really don't want to go back to the zoo for the summer though. I emailed Scott from PR to ask if I could work at the golf course again for this coming summer. If he doesn't reply soon, I'm calling him. I'm sure I wont have any problem getting back in. I know I swore I'd never go back, but I guess it wasn't that bad... Good pay... And I really did have fun last summer; we had an awesome team. It was just so tiresome and stressful sometimes. Not as stressful and tiresome as working with the kids though.

I am so not ready to go back to school tomorrow. This past week has just been awesome staying at Armaan's. I love being able to see him all the time :) And even just being in the area, makes me feel more at home. I'm not ready for the stress of school again; I just got done being stressed out, and here I go again... This term one more class than last, so now I get to study even more. I'm so excited... From the sound of it, I'm thinking these classes are going to be easier, but that's what I said last term and I ended up barely scraping by.

Signed papers with my parents last week for the divorce. One of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Well, ok, so it was easy for me to sign; just actually being there, sitting between my parents, and listening to what was being said, trying to defend things and being, not necessarily yelled at, but talked back at with what I was trying to say, made it all seem real, and obviously, official.

How is a child supposed to feel? And what are they supposed to say? I try to speak what I know to be true, but oftentimes, it will just be talked down by one side. I'm trying to deal with it all, but I'm so tired of hearing about it. And then I've got one of them asking me what my opinion is on things and I just don't want to answer. I don't want to be involved. Cause then it puts pressure on me to choose what they want to hear, but not necessarily what I think because then I'll just get in trouble.

And then if I were to give my honest thinking on things, I would hurt them so much, and then who knows what would happen. I'd end up feeling guilty for whatever happens. I don't know, I'm just so stuck in the middle, and afraid of going home sometimes, hence why I don't oftentimes. I just don't know what to think or feel anymore. I keep hearing different things from different sides, and gah, I'm just so inwardly tired of it. I give up, I really do.

Anywho, we are all trying to move on. That's the best thing anyone of us can do for now.

A lot of this has made me realize why I had wanted to move out of state so bad, and sometimes, I still kind of do, just to get a way from it all, start over some where new and clear my head. But, I can't do that because my life and the people I love are here, and honestly, I love Oregon to death. Who cares if it rains a good portion of the year?

Ahh, this feels good, I've been wanting to write all week long, but haven't gotten the chance. I really wish I had brought my diary cause then I could go into more detail and have my words with things... but alas, I think it's back in Corvallis... That book holds a lot of memories, "the good, the bad, and the ugly", as do all I'm sure. At least with this I can still unleash my thoughts as well and let some things out... I'm so worn out inside it hurts. Can't ever really find an inner peace, and maybe I wont for a while, who knows. My life seems so lost at this point because I'm not really sure where I'm headed in life (though I've recently put thought into rehabilitation centers for animals, which would be awesome). I'm sure may college students go through this, but it gets so stressful sometimes. I'm going to school, and juggling my life on the weekends. I can't wait for summer... Perhaps I'll actually get to relax a little and be able to find myself again.

I really want to go walk around Portland in the near future. I know walking around there hurts emotionally, and in some instances still makes me feel sick to my stomach, but it still brings back so many good memories and in a sense, shows me the foundation of what I now have. Sitting there at my fountain, writing in my diary, now that is where I have been able to find inner peace. I guess it's because I'm just in a common area where I was free from everything, free to write, free to release myself from the troubles of the world. I don't know why, and I guess it can't really be explained.

I know I'm free to talk to my friends any time about life and what's going on, how I feel, but I also just need time to release myself with life within familiar surroundings. And a good cry helps as well :) It sounds sad, but honestly, it really does help. Anywho, I want to walk around Portland soon; I think it's what I've been needing for a while.

I guess another thing that has been wearing me out is the constant drama that flows around. Hearing about my friends lives can be full of drama... I don't mind listening and trying my best to help out, it's just that there is so much of it. And there are always the little annoyances, especially back in Corvallis, that are just driving me up the wall... I can't wait till I have my own place there next year; my own personal space. I feel so trapped (trapt?) there.

I still wish I hadn't changed schools, but such is life. At least it's pretty there in the springtime.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I'm so drained out (emotionally and physically). Half of the time, I'm not even sure why I'm emotionally drained, cause I guess I don't have much reason to be besides my parents situation. However, spending this past week at Armaan's has made my life less stressful and has been really nice. It's going to be so weird and rather depressing going back to Corvallis. I have to get back there before seven I think to sign up for jobs. I hope I don't get any weekend ones... I really don't want to be stuck there on the weekends, though, I guess I should be there studying cause I never really get any done when coming "home".

Anywho, I'm going to bed now... gotta get up in time to go to church with my dad. Goodnight dear world.

It's finals week... ugh...

Tomorrow is the bio final.

Thursday is the stats and human sexuality final.

I get to go home on Thursday woot woot!

It really needs to be spring break already...