One step at a time...

2007-06-07T20:46:00.000-07:00

I move home a week from today! Tonight I did my last dish chore, depending on what chores I sign up for on Sunday for Finals week... So, hopefully it was my last dish chore. I think I'll do headclean or something like that next week.

I need to get out of here sooo bad. I'm nearly going insane. Can't wait to move out of this house...

It's kinda sad... wont really have anything that I'm going to miss here in Corvallis. Meh, oh well.

Gah, I'm so not ready for finals... that's the last thing I want to be working on now. I only have one class left though, so I really can't complain. Once I have everything together it wont be so bad. It's just getting there...

I'm tired. One week, just one week... THANK GOD! :)

Gahhh

2007-05-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

I'm so ready for school to be done...

I'm really beginning to dislike riding my bike on campus. Too many damn people who don't know that they are supposed to stay out of the bike lane so us bikers can get by without running into a car in the next lane. So freaking annoying. Or the people who just slowly linger across the road while on their cell phones... it's getting harder to dodge people. Or I had one random guy purposely jump out in front of me; I should have just run over his ass. Argh!

Anywho, less than a month of school left! So excited! Knowing that there are only three weeks left of classes after this is making it harder to get through each week. And the fact that I'll most likely never be going to school here again makes the count down only seem longer.

I can't wait to move into Portland, that'll be pretty sweet. Looking forward to working at PR again. Which reminds me... need to call in to have my name put back in the schedule.

Hmm... it needs to be Thursday... I live for my weekends... :)

Week 6

2007-05-06T22:07:00.000-07:00

Been working on stuff for a midterm for about 8 hours today, I think it's time I took a break. Actually, I just finished what I was doing, now I just need a break before I move onto something else. My head is pounding and I'm tired already. This isn't right... I just got up less than 10 hours ago... after sleeping for about 12 hours though...

Last night I had this totally psychotic, yet twisted and quite interesting, dream. It was one of those dreams where you start out in a certain complicated scenario and work it out over a course of events only to end up right back where you started; a never-ending loop. I was quite enjoying myself in the dream and thought it was the coolest thing when I found myself in the same place as where I had started, with a few events changing here and there once I started again. So weird.

I'm so tired of school. Six more weeks... Just gotta keep telling myself that. Anywho, besides school there are a crapload of other things on my mind, such as where I'm going to school next year, figuring out living situations once I get that figured out, legal issues with accounts, cell phone, and currently, whether I should take tylenol pm or a couple of ibuprofen :P

It seems like there was something else, but it has slipped my mind for the time being.

My head hurts too much to think, maybe a shower will help...

Swimming, Superman, and Dairy Queen Ice Cream

2007-05-02T17:12:00.000-07:00

Do you ever dream of going back in time and reliving what you now know as the "good ol' days"? Now, I might not be old enough to really say much, but I do however have enough childhood memories to remember what life was like during those innocent years, where as a child, you don't really know what to appreciate at the time and just go on living life in ignorance of the "real world". Some of my favorite times as a child were going to swimming lessons in the afternoon and then going to Dairy Queen for ice cream afterwards. Once home, the family would settle down to watch "Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman" and everyone was just happy. The realism of how life really is just doesn't even enter a child's mind. As a child, you don't really know any better.

I just got done watching part of an old superman episode and it brought back so many memories, good ones too. As you grow older, you obviously learn how the world really is and many people want nothing more than to just go back and hide in the innocence of their youth. Wouldn't that make life so much easier? But then again, you'd never get anywhere with that. In order to get anywhere we need to actually live our lives instead of having someone else guide us the whole way. Nowadays we are constantly making our own decisions, which seems to always test whether we know what's best or not. And from there is where the life we live is made. Pretty self explanatory.

It's amazing how fast you can grow up in just a few years outside of high school. Making your own decisions based upon what the world consists of and events you've gone through. You can't hide behind your parents any more and leave the worries for them to take care of or talk you through them. Or perhaps you can't even go to your parents any more because their ideal ways of life don't match yours. You fail at their expectations, making life stressful. Or even the loss of respect may take place as your parents part ways and the pressures of agreeing with each one just tears you apart. You may not agree with one, and just cant ever win em' both. That makes it even more difficult to communicate. No one ever said life was going to be easy.

Lately, I've been faced with making some pretty crucial decisions and let me tell you, it's definitely not easy when neither of your parents are backing you up and think you are just making a huge mistake. These decisions are pretty much going to tell me where I will be for the next few years of my life (possibly moving back to Portland). Even my brother chewed me out yesterday. It's just hard when I see something that could potentially be better in the end, and hardly anyone else sees it. I believe that if I really put my all into something and carry out what I say I'm going to do, then I'll be just fine. Now it's just getting those others who once believed in me before, to believe in me again.

I'm so thankful for the people who believe in me and are telling me that it's alright for me to make my own decisions that I think would be best for my life. I need to be able to make my own choices and feel good about them, that's what growing up is all about right? And sure, I'll make mistakes, no doubt about that. But if I don't try something, how will I ever know? "He who never makes mistakes, never makes new discoveries." I'm all about that. I suppose I could say coming to OSU was a mistake, or that living in this house in Corvallis was a mistake, but, if I hadn't made those choices, I probably wouldn't know what I'd prefer and didn't. If that makes any sense at all (in other words, I wouldn't have appreciated Portland as much as I do now). Looking back, I'm now appreciating what I had beforehand and it makes me smile to look back at those times that were hard yes, but were also full of good times and opportunity if I had just put my mind to it. I still have a lot of thinking to do, but I gotta look at the big picture in order to get my future figured out.

In the end, I think I'd be fine going back to Portland. Not every employer could possibly hate PSU. I think I'd be able to find a job somewhere, but my parents don't seem to think so since PSU has a "bad rep". Pshht. I can do it. But like I said, I'd really have to put my all into it, and honestly, I'd be happier there and I'm pretty sure I would. School here in Corvallis is depressing and just isn't and won't ever be "home". I've tried having the right mindset, but it's just so hard. Money is another issue that I'll have to face, which I've thought about for some time. I know others who are probably even more in debt than I'll be in, and I know that they have the power to make it, and so do I.

Life's just tough all around. Growing up isn't easy, won't ever be easy, but it's quite the learning experience.

It's times like these where I'd love nothing more to go swimming, get some vanilla ice cream dipped in chocolate, and go home and sit down and watch old superman episodes. Funny how the most simple and silly things in life seem the most relieving, huh?

P.S. To those of you who have been backing me up, thank you for the support and for helping bring up my confidence in myself. It truly means a lot to me :)

2007-04-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

And yet another weekend has flown by. I really wish they wouldn't go by so quickly.

I currently feel like crap. Coming down with a cold. Ugh.

Oh well.

I want to write more, but my mind has gone blank. I need to take a nap.

Scratch that

2007-04-09T19:27:00.000-07:00

So... this whole past weekend didn't go like I thought it would, but then again, when does it ever? Actually, it turned out a whole lot better than expected, which was totally awesome.

"For the parts that I was there." Hmm. That doesn't happen too often. I should probably work on that a little bit... for both my mom's and dad's places.

So Thursday Beck and I took off for Portland and stayed at Mary's. Skipped Bio on Friday, obviously, and just hung around Ptown. Oh my God it was awesome and so relieving. Got to see my boy Friday and ended up staying at his place a few nights - went home somewhere in between.

Saturday, Armaan and I went to my dad's to visit for a bit. Saw all the relatives. It was pretty nice. Seems like they are all doing pretty well.

Sunday, Easter, spent the day with Armaan's family. Had a really good time. Even went on a little easter egg hunt around his grandparent's place. I found it rather amusing that the five of us "kids" were at least 16 years old and walking around the house with our little baggies looking for eggs. Hehe. :)

Went back to my dad's Sunday night and then took off this morning (Monday) for Corvallis. Yay for school... Almost slept in Bio, managed to stay awake in Health Fitness and then came back to the house and slept for four hours (didn't get much sleep last night at my dad's...).

I want this term to be over so bad and it's only week 2. Gah.

Walking throughout PSU on Friday made me want to go back so bad. And it brought back so many memories. Saw some people I recognized from past classes. Almost felt like any other ordinary day from last year, minus the whole drama that surrounded my every being. Saw my fountain and even that brought memories to mind... like the time it came back on in the spring and I called Mary in a very excited attitude (almost shouting and screaming)... she thought I was getting raped or something since she told me to call her if I ran into troubles... (it was late at night...), freaked the hell out of her haha. Oh good times...

And then staying with Armaan was relieving and just totally awesome (as always, hehe). :) Makes it harder to leave every time though...

Well, I should get back to school work... I have a crapload... lots of reading to do woot woot.

I should start a countdown, like I had two summers ago at Cannon Bitch, err..., I mean, Beach. Yah. Hmm.

Week 1, Day 4

2007-04-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

This term is going to be packed full of hw/tests/projects/etc. I've already signed up for a group speech/project on STDs in Southeast Asia that I'll give during week 4. We got to meet with our group members for not even five minutes before class was over (half that time was spent walking around room finding our group members cause the professor didn't do a very good job of separating out the different topics), so hopefully we get to meet up again next class so we can begin thinking things out.

I get to go home tomorrow woot woot. Gotta clean my room up and go get some various errands done. This Easter is going to be weird and very different from years past. Guess I'll learn to adjust. I just have this constant nagging feeling that something is going to be said or brought up during this weekend among family members and I'm just going to explode. I think some of my relatives have definitely been given wrong information about the whole issue between my parents, and so if it comes up, I'm not letting it slide by. It seems like a constant battle between my parents, each having to defend themselves before others and what's been said. And then when they ask my opinion, oh how I wish they wouldn't. It's so hard on a child's life when they do that. Argh.

I have so much anger built up, gah. It seems like it's never going to leave. And church just makes me even angrier. I'm tired of hearing about divorce, and other things that pertain to family issues. I don't have anything against the church in general, I'm just having trouble finding peace at one. I always end up taking what the pastor says and direct it exactly to what has been happening/is happening within my family. Oftentimes, I just want to leave and cry. It's so frustrating. Gah. This weekend is going to be difficult with the family, but as far as church goes, they should be talking about the resurrection, so it should be ok.

Anywho, today is a nice day. It's beautiful outside. I want to go read outside, but I would just get so sidetracked, I'd never get any of it done.

I decided to work at PR again this summer. Got a hold of my ol' supervisor and got the ok. I know I hated it, but really, I knew what I was doing, and yes, I did have fun. I just can't see myself working at the Zoo all summer long. It was fun and all, but honestly, it kind of just got boring seeing the same things over and over again. And then the kids... they are cute and all, but I found it kind of hard entertaining them. I'm not that outgoing enough to be "fun" for them all day long. Oh well. Hopefully some of the ol' crew members from PR last summer will return. We had some awesome times... hehe

I think I'm going to go reminisce in Portland this weekend. And do a little shopping hehe. I've been good lately. Might splurge just a little or continue being a good girl and just window shop. This is all assuming my dad doesn't mind... I'm sure he'll want me there the whole weekend or I'll end up taking sisters/cousins with me. Hmm. We'll see how that goes. On the other hand, I could instead spend Saturday working on my computer. Hmm. That would be more beneficial.

I should really read now.

Oh, I'm in a fitness class this term... Not really looking forward to the activities that involve sports. I hate playing in sports. I'd rather do noncompetitive fitness things, which, we will do, but not the entire time. Meh, guess we'll see how it goes.

Ok, really reading now... ugh.

I'm hungry

2007-04-02T23:50:00.000-07:00

Today has been rather good I suppose; on a productive level that is. I've gotten more organized. Earlier I couldn't even function because the little space that I have in this room was cluttered. I was just going insane, so while Beck spent her, oh, maybe 3+ hours or so on my computer, I whirled around the room (and around her) organizing everything.

Then tonight, I was trying to be productive, seeing that I had reading due already for one of my classes tomorrow, but just couldn't manage to get through the material. The reading was just absolutely ridiculous. It was almost like reading a play by Shakespeare. It didn't make any sense, and was talking about events/people from back in the 1300's ish area - in which I was just completely lost. I looked over the other books, tried reading the material; it was a no-go. It is a history class mind you, and therefore it doesn't catch my fancy. I've spent part of my evening looking up other classes, and rearranging my schedule so I could drop this one. Finally figured it out.

Being back in Corvallis sucks - BIG TIME!

The ins and outs of working with animals (kids included)

2007-04-01T00:36:00.000-07:00

I must say that this past "spring break" has been quite a tiresome and interesting one. I thought working at the zoo would be pretty cool, and in some ways it was, but overall, it majorly took away from my time off and relaxation; instead, it added stress and exhaustment (I love how I just made that word up...) to my life. I came back "home" pretty tired every evening just ready to crash, and once I finally did, it was time to get back up again for another long day.

Actually, to be quite honest, the days went by fairly quickly. I think it was the moving from one thing to the next that made the day just seem to fly by, which didn't bother me any. Yesterday was moving along pretty fast, even for a friday, up until one little gal had a sign fall on her head, cutting her head, creating a bloody mess and sending the rest of the afternoon into a stressful situation. Besides that, the rest of the week was "mellow" in that sense.

In the other sense, "mellow" doesn't even come close to the correct terminology for thirty little first graders running all over the place. Insane is more like it. The little devils were good on some days and then just simply worse devils on other days. There wasn't one snacktime that went by without some sort of spill ('cept for the very last one in which no juice was served, hence no spills!). There were always the "know-it-alls", the bully, the loud mouths, the quiet, etc.

There was this one little gal who was just absolutely adorable and wanted to sit on my lap while I was reading to all the little munchkins (spelling on that anyone...?) At one point I had two kids on my lap, or they'd run up to me, grab on to me, just hug me, grab for my hand walking around, or chanting out how they wanted to be in my group for the day. These were the good, cute times with the kids; otherwise, they were running all over the place, causing havoc, and I was constantly counting them to make sure none of them had run off.

My coworkers were interesting to say the least. Not sure if I really fit in with the atmosphere or not. It worked for the week, but I just don't see myself fully into that sort of character. Hard to explain, but it makes sense in my head.

Overall, I guess I'm glad I had the experience; it was money at least. I really don't want to go back to the zoo for the summer though. I emailed Scott from PR to ask if I could work at the golf course again for this coming summer. If he doesn't reply soon, I'm calling him. I'm sure I wont have any problem getting back in. I know I swore I'd never go back, but I guess it wasn't that bad... Good pay... And I really did have fun last summer; we had an awesome team. It was just so tiresome and stressful sometimes. Not as stressful and tiresome as working with the kids though.

I am so not ready to go back to school tomorrow. This past week has just been awesome staying at Armaan's. I love being able to see him all the time :) And even just being in the area, makes me feel more at home. I'm not ready for the stress of school again; I just got done being stressed out, and here I go again... This term one more class than last, so now I get to study even more. I'm so excited... From the sound of it, I'm thinking these classes are going to be easier, but that's what I said last term and I ended up barely scraping by.

Signed papers with my parents last week for the divorce. One of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Well, ok, so it was easy for me to sign; just actually being there, sitting between my parents, and listening to what was being said, trying to defend things and being, not necessarily yelled at, but talked back at with what I was trying to say, made it all seem real, and obviously, official.

How is a child supposed to feel? And what are they supposed to say? I try to speak what I know to be true, but oftentimes, it will just be talked down by one side. I'm trying to deal with it all, but I'm so tired of hearing about it. And then I've got one of them asking me what my opinion is on things and I just don't want to answer. I don't want to be involved. Cause then it puts pressure on me to choose what they want to hear, but not necessarily what I think because then I'll just get in trouble.

And then if I were to give my honest thinking on things, I would hurt them so much, and then who knows what would happen. I'd end up feeling guilty for whatever happens. I don't know, I'm just so stuck in the middle, and afraid of going home sometimes, hence why I don't oftentimes. I just don't know what to think or feel anymore. I keep hearing different things from different sides, and gah, I'm just so inwardly tired of it. I give up, I really do.

Anywho, we are all trying to move on. That's the best thing anyone of us can do for now.

A lot of this has made me realize why I had wanted to move out of state so bad, and sometimes, I still kind of do, just to get a way from it all, start over some where new and clear my head. But, I can't do that because my life and the people I love are here, and honestly, I love Oregon to death. Who cares if it rains a good portion of the year?

Ahh, this feels good, I've been wanting to write all week long, but haven't gotten the chance. I really wish I had brought my diary cause then I could go into more detail and have my words with things... but alas, I think it's back in Corvallis... That book holds a lot of memories, "the good, the bad, and the ugly", as do all I'm sure. At least with this I can still unleash my thoughts as well and let some things out... I'm so worn out inside it hurts. Can't ever really find an inner peace, and maybe I wont for a while, who knows. My life seems so lost at this point because I'm not really sure where I'm headed in life (though I've recently put thought into rehabilitation centers for animals, which would be awesome). I'm sure may college students go through this, but it gets so stressful sometimes. I'm going to school, and juggling my life on the weekends. I can't wait for summer... Perhaps I'll actually get to relax a little and be able to find myself again.

I really want to go walk around Portland in the near future. I know walking around there hurts emotionally, and in some instances still makes me feel sick to my stomach, but it still brings back so many good memories and in a sense, shows me the foundation of what I now have. Sitting there at my fountain, writing in my diary, now that is where I have been able to find inner peace. I guess it's because I'm just in a common area where I was free from everything, free to write, free to release myself from the troubles of the world. I don't know why, and I guess it can't really be explained.

I know I'm free to talk to my friends any time about life and what's going on, how I feel, but I also just need time to release myself with life within familiar surroundings. And a good cry helps as well :) It sounds sad, but honestly, it really does help. Anywho, I want to walk around Portland soon; I think it's what I've been needing for a while.

I guess another thing that has been wearing me out is the constant drama that flows around. Hearing about my friends lives can be full of drama... I don't mind listening and trying my best to help out, it's just that there is so much of it. And there are always the little annoyances, especially back in Corvallis, that are just driving me up the wall... I can't wait till I have my own place there next year; my own personal space. I feel so trapped (trapt?) there.

I still wish I hadn't changed schools, but such is life. At least it's pretty there in the springtime.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I'm so drained out (emotionally and physically). Half of the time, I'm not even sure why I'm emotionally drained, cause I guess I don't have much reason to be besides my parents situation. However, spending this past week at Armaan's has made my life less stressful and has been really nice. It's going to be so weird and rather depressing going back to Corvallis. I have to get back there before seven I think to sign up for jobs. I hope I don't get any weekend ones... I really don't want to be stuck there on the weekends, though, I guess I should be there studying cause I never really get any done when coming "home".

Anywho, I'm going to bed now... gotta get up in time to go to church with my dad. Goodnight dear world.

2007-03-20T01:12:00.000-07:00

It's finals week... ugh...

Tomorrow is the bio final.

Thursday is the stats and human sexuality final.

I get to go home on Thursday woot woot!

It really needs to be spring break already...

Crazy Bitch

2007-03-13T23:31:00.000-07:00

Worst thing I did today: blasted "Crazy Bitch" in the upstairs bathroom while taking a shower. I was waiting for any of the girls to come yell at me the entire time I was listening to it. Hehe. Overly conservative house plus that song, doesn't really mix too well. Oh well. I didn't get yelled at! Hell yes!

I'm in the process of rewriting my story for my writing class, ha, fancy that. The final copy is due Thursday morning. I really don't want to rewrite it, but it needs so much work, and now I'm stuck trying to figure out what to write. Writing is an inspirational thing for me. I like to do it when I feel like it. If something has hit me, and I feel inspired to write about it, I will. This whole writing a story for a class is really throwing me off and hard to do because I'm honestly not inspired at the moment to write about anything in particular pertaining to a fiction story. Oh well, Thursday it will all be over. Thank God.

I have three finals next week. That should be interesting. Bio and Stats will be killer, Human Sexuality will be a cinch. Lots of studying to do between now and Tues/Thurs of next week. Eeks!

Then it's spring break baby! And I'm working at the zoo!!! How cool is that? I honestly never thought I could ever work at the zoo. It's a start in the long road ahead. I'm pretty excited. I just hope it goes well.

We finished dissecting the piggies tonight. And thank God too cause they were really beginning to smell atrocious.

I totally started reading my book again last weekend. It's so cool. Pretty gory, but meh, oh well. Ancient Egyptian culture. You kinda expect that. Maybe I'll actually finish it over spring break. Ha, yah right...

Blah, I should prolly head back to my room so my laptop doesn't die on me anytime soon...

2007-03-07T16:12:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to the most horrible song ever, but I love it haha.

I calculated up totals for some of my classes today... I'm really gonna have to bust my ass in order to pull off decent grades this term... Ugh... I have a lot of work and studying ahead of me.

Because of this, I don't really have time to write much, but I wanted to put this song on here, it's so cute (and it's not the one I was listening to a moment ago...)

Hellogoodbye ~ Here in Your Arms

I like,
Where we are,
When we drive,
In your car.
I like,
Where we are,
Here.

Cause our lips,
Can touch.
And our cheeks,
Can brush.
Our lips can touch,
Here.

Where you are the one, the one,
That lies close to me.
Whispers, "Hello,
I miss you quite terribly."
I fell in love, in love,
With you suddenly.
Now there's no place else,
I could be, but,
Here in your arms.

I like,
Where you sleep,
When you sleep,
Next to me.
I like,
Where you sleep,
Here.

Our lips,
Can touch.
And our cheeks,
Can brush.
Cause our lips can touch,
Here.

Where you are the one, the one,
That lies close to me.
Whispers, "Hello,
I miss you quite terribly."
I fell in love, in love,
With you suddenly.
Now there's no place else,
I could be, but,
Here in your arms.

Our lips can touch.
Our lips can touch,
Here.

You are the one, the one,
That lies close to me.
Whispers, "Hello,
I miss you quite terribly."
I fell in love, in love,
With you suddenly.
Now there's no place else,
I could be, but,
Here in your...

You are the one, the one,
That lies close to me.
Whispers, "Hello,
I miss you quite, miss you quite..."
I fell in love, in love,
With you suddenly.
Now theres no place else,
I could be, but,
Here in your arms.

Here, here, here, here in your arms.
Oh, here in your... arms.

Killing time...

2007-02-27T14:40:00.000-08:00

Can't believe I actually have free time; ok, so I guess I don't, I'm just killing time till my next class starts...

Now to collect my thoughts: damn damn damn

Hmm.

So this morning... discussion about my short story... luckily, the class didn't murder it; they found it cute and interesting, and sure there's still lots of work to be done, but no one majorly attacked my paper. That made me happy. I know what I need to do now to fix it, just gotta write it... I guess I need to add more detail about the setting; I was rather surprised that people in the class were interested in it because of where I had set the story. Overall, I came out of the class fairly happy with what was talked about.

All of my midterms are over with, now it's just finishing classes till finals... I really really wish I hadn't said I'd watch the kids the past two weekends. I needed to get so much more studying done and because of watching them, I didn't get any studying done, and did rather poorly on my exams. Therefore, I've been rather disappointed in myself, knowing I can do much much better. I have the potential, I know I do, I just need to use it. Oh well, honestly, there isn't anything I can do about it all now. I just gotta pick myself up and carry on, study harder next time, and just continue to do my best. Why can't I give myself these motivational speeches all the time?

21 minutes till Human Sexuality. Oh, I totally kicked some ass on that test last week. I got an A and I am so freaking happy about that. Yay for human anatomy... Hmm, um, yah...

Just a random thought: I hate how I can't decide on anything... I need to become more opinionated. But one can't just become opinionated over night. Lost cause? Hmm. Perhaps.

I had an interview yesterday at the zoo. It was one of those interviews though in which it was difficult to tell whether I could have landed the job or not. I should know by Thursday. I really hope I got it. It's a little beyond what I think I'm capable of doing, but I think it would do me some good, and deep down I know I could do it. It'd sure help me overcome shyness... that's for sure... singing and stuff like that, trying to get kids to interact. Have to come out of my "dont touch, quiet, like to keep to myself, introverted" shell... yay...

Changing subjects: this past weekend I was able to go to my mom's for a bit, then over to my dad's, got to hang out in my OWN room (omg I miss it so much), and then got to hang out at Armaan's. This was all Sunday evening through Monday afternoon. That little snippet of time made me feel more at home than I have felt in a really long time, weeks. Corvallis and staying at the kids' was sucking all of the "home" feeling out of me and I was seriously losing it. I felt so much better after visiting all three of my "homes" hehe (mom's, dad's, and Armaan's; Corvallis is far from "home").

10 minutes

I got to see my doggies too. Noah gets so excited and almost tackles me every time I come home. Angel gets excited too... but she just sits around... Those poor dogs, they get to see my siblings every other week, so they must be getting bored to death around my place... I can't wait for summer :) I'll get to see my doggies and do so many other things a whole heck of a lot more than I am now...

My mom got my curtains done, so now my room is officially done! I'm pretty excited, it looks so boo-ti-ful!

6 minutes

We get to dissect a fetal pig tonight. I've never had the chance to actually do this... I had a lame bio teacher in high school. All I know is that it's gonna stink... oh yay...

I think I stare at my fish too much. Cause seriously, I've had a few dreams lately in which for some odd reason, people have been putting my fish together in the same tank, and then the fish start attacking each other. Strange psychotic dreams. I have betta's. You can't just stick them together or else they will end up dead. I need a new pasttime... haha. Minesweeper! Then I'll start having dreams about bombs going off. Hmm.

Ok... 2 minutes (22 till it starts), I better start walking over there...

We are learning about sexual behavior patterns and atypical sexual behavior today. And probably finishing up birth control and contraception... quite the interesting class...

O.K.

2007-02-20T22:57:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it's been a little while...

Not too much to catch up on other than, I feel like crap, my day has been utterly stressful (two midterms, bio lab in between, all equal hell), and now my computer is being retardedly slow. Is that even a word?

Gah... I give up with the computer...

Oh! One more thing! Armaan is the bestest boyfriend in the world :) He's been helping me get through everything that's been going on lately. He is such a wonderful blessing to have in my life :)

Ok, computer is really pissing me off...

Releasing my mind in a diary

2007-02-05T21:04:00.000-08:00

There's just something about a diary that is so comforting. I mean, you can write anything you want to, express any and all feelings currently going through your head that you don't dare express to anyone else. It's not judgmental towards you, you can be a complete dork, emotionally falling apart, angry and upset, or happy as ever, whatever the case may be; it's the only thing that has a clue as to how you truly feel. It doesn't mind listening to your same old drama over and over. You can write in it as often as you like, therefore relieving yourself, or venting as the case may often be, whenever you want. Or, in a much better aspect, you can store away some of your most treasured memories, what happened each day, special events, anything that you have held dear to your heart, etc. The diary - a wonderful concept, it really is.

I should find mine and actually write in it sometime. Haven't written in it since last year. And most of what's written in there is from my summer at the beach; seems like forever ago. I think it'd be amazing to see how much I could actually write about nowadays; so much has happened. My life has basically done a giant flip-flop, and overall it's just so different than say from a year ago.

It's not like I can't talk to people about things, but you know, there are always those simple little things that you just can't, or don't want to, talk about with someone. I mean, isn't that the point of a diary to begin with? It holds your deepest darkest secrets. That is, if, you are the type of person who goes into great detail about your life. And also, it just lets you get those little things out so you don't have to dwell upon them anymore. Sure, they might always be there in the back of your mind, but a diary gives you the chance to let it out so you aren't fixating on it, and can return to it later. And you can also talk about little tid-bits of info that no one else cares to hear, like this entire post for example. Everyone already knows this stuff; I'm just simply expressing how good it feels to have one.

Even though all of these are pretty obvious observations, this post has helped take my mind off of my midterm I probably just failed. Now that topic is where a diary is going to come in handy ;)

2007-01-31T20:39:00.000-08:00

My night just kinda took a downhill slope... I did worse than I thought I had on my human sexuality midterm. Damn. I really wish I had finished going through my readings before the test rather than help Beck with those graphs... The reading I did get done beforehand helped a ton on the test, it really did. I just need to get all the reading done ahead of time next time and I'll be fine. Plus, I majorly switched around some of the matching answers, which sucks big time, and I lost quite a few points due to that.

Yesterday after I had taken the midterm I went and looked at my notes, which you really shouldn't do if you don't want to forecast what you are going to get on a test, I noticed that I completely biffed it on quite a few of the questions. Didn't think I biffed it that bad though. Now I desperately need to do the extra credit, which involves going to some passion or pleasure party (or an adult shop, but I think those are more geared for guys) and writing about it. I think if I do ok on the next midterm and the final, I'll be ok. I'm just pissed at myself for the grade I got. Then again, you never know how the first midterm of classes will go, what the professor's testing style is, what sort of questions they ask. So in that aspect, it has prepared me for the rest of the tests, but still... I'm disappointed in myself for not studying to my fullest.

Instead I had concentrated more on my statistics midterm, which I still think I did fine on. Should be getting that grade on friday. It would make me happier if I knew that my time spent studying for that test was used wisely (rather than studying for my human sexuality midterm more like I should have).

Oh well, they are both over with, can't do anything about them, it's time for me to just move on and do better next time. Speaking of midterms, I have one in bio next monday... That wont be fun... Need to study my brains out for that one.

Ugh, need to finish my bio lab stuff, read a bit, and then go sleep in the freezing cold sleeping porch, I'm so tired...

It really really needs to be tomorrow night. I can then finally be in the arms of the man I love the most *sigh* It's going to be wonderful, and I'll be able to just forget everything else going on in the world. I can't wait!

2007-01-28T22:43:00.000-08:00

oh shit oh shit oh shit

I have so much homework due and 2 midterms to study for on tuesday

I am so screwed

And majorly stressed out at the moment

Prolly shouldn't have watched the kids this weekend

Argh

2007-01-25T22:30:00.000-08:00

Note to self: DO NOT eat chocolate after dinner. Oh my God I'm so ancy right now, can't concentrate. I cannot have sugar after a certain hour of the night, it just doesn't work for me. I need an apple or something to balance it out, but I lack one.

Due to Becky and Stacy inviting me to join them for a movie, I forgot to call Kathy to make sure things were still on with the kids for the weekend :P Guess I'll try calling her cell tomorrow before I head out. AND I forgot to change my laundry over, I hope it doesn't run over 11... Ugh...

I still have my Stats and Human Sexuality homework to do... My Stats seems easy, I'm partway done with it, but it almost seems too easy, which means I'm probably not doing something right. I hate that feeling.

That's all.

Here we are once again, just me and my laptop...

2007-01-25T09:42:00.000-08:00

I wish I could say life was going wonderfully well, and in many aspects it is, it's just, school has me losing my self-confidence once again. Mostly just my writing class though, pulling off the constant C on my papers has me worried and I can't keep going on like this. It's almost the end of the third week of the term already; I really need to be doing better by now. Either he just isn't explaining things very well (in which, for a few of the assignments, he really doesn't go into much detail about what exactly is supposed to be done, leaving us students at quite a loss) or perhaps I really do write poorly in general.

I think I'm going to go talk to the professor. He misinterpreted one thing I wrote in my query letter, which when read correctly, is part of my storyline, not how the reader is going to feel. Another thing is that I followed outlines of past query letters that had been written and still didn't receive a good grade. I'm going to have to work harder; this guy is rather picky about what to have and what not to have. It must be perfect... He's been doing this for thirty years, so I guess he has a right to know how things should be done...

Oh and another thing. I absolutely hate this about writing in general: some teachers love all the the extra flowery words, making sentences full of description and extra detail, while others on the other hand want you to cut them short, get right to the point. Junior year of high school, I had this teacher who loved all of the flowery words, but fast forward to the present, this professor doesn't care for the extra details. This can be so frustrating when you are taught one way to write, and then you just go back and forth back and forth. (I also had another teacher in high school who was the same way as my professor now). It's just so complicated and annoying. I just want to stay consistent.

I'm so far behind on my reading, which I'll be starting again once I'm done typing here. I'm going home tomorrow to watch Joey and Robin for the weekend; hoping that at some point I'll be able to get some reading done... not likely though. And even more so I'm hoping I can get a chance to see Armaan before I come back to Corvallis on Sunday... I could really use that right about now...

I am so ready for another break. Can't wait for spring break, no surgery, hopefully I won't be sick, and I will just be able to relax :)

Ok, stomach is saying it needs food, and brain is saying I must read...

Bahumbug

2007-01-16T19:54:00.000-08:00

I'm currently really pissed at the moment... My email has all of the sudden decided to start deleting random pieces of itself... like all of Decembers sent and received emails are now missing... and now all of January's up until yesterday are missing. I can't figure out what the hell is going on and need to call Verizon support or something... ugh... this totally just killed my mood.

Otherwise, I'm doing pretty awesome. School was cancelled till 11am this morning and then closed again at 5pm due to weather conditions. So that gave me more time to catch up on my homework and readings and such.

Now my mind has gone blank as I just sit here singing along with my music. I feel better now...

Random thoughts, good practice for my writing class!

2007-01-10T21:41:00.000-08:00

This term actually seems like it's going to be alright. I really need to put my all into it though; I can't go through another term like the last one. My human sexuality class will definately be the most interesting one out of all of them. If we were actually studying animals in biology at this point in time, that class would be interesting as well, but now we're going through all the boring stuff - monomers, sugars, polysaccharides - you get the picture... Stats kind of reminds me of Sociology (I loved that class last year), so I don't think it will be too hard, but then again, I haven't taken a math class in over a year... And lastly, my writing class (intro to writing fiction) could be very useful and let me just write about whatever I want for a change. Plus it might motivate me to finish the book I started writing back towards the beginning of last year.

Talking to each of my parents since my mom moved out has been interesting. I can almost feel a change of tone in their voice, almost worry free, stress free; like a burden has been let go. It feels so good to hear them happier. Yes, this whole thing has been difficult, but it was definately worth it in the end. I can't wait to see my mom's place once she has everything where she wants it. It was funny walking with her in the store a few weeks ago; she was mentioning the things she could finally have in her house. And as for my dad's place, it's gonna take a while to get it resituated and whatnot, but really, not all that much has changed. I did lose my bed... which I plan on stealing from my sis everytime I stay at my mom's place muahaha (I'll end up on the couch, I just know it...), but I get to buy my own futon now to put in my room at my dad's, so that's cool.

Being back at the Azalea house sucks, but I'm getting used to it again. My chores are pretty easy and don't mess with my schedule that much. I don't have any on the weekends; that's a major plus!

I just remembered I need to look up application's for the zoo... wonder if they are out yet. Need to update my resume... Just checked, applications are up! Totally need to get that done soon.

Anywho, this whole idea of using a keypad/clicker in class is weird to me. Easy points, unless it's during a "quiz" and you fail to answer them correctly...

Well this is depressing... I can't taste my chocolate... :( I can smell but not taste, how does that work? I can finally hear out of one of my ears too! There was a moment of pure bliss right before my bio lecture; I was actually able to hear out of both ears! Then five minutes later... yah, it's irritating.

I think I just scared the hell out of Bleu (one of my betta's)... I accidentally just hit the plastic cupboard thing he sits on top of, almost spilling water out of his tank. I can't wait till I move back home during the summer and can have each betta in an actual tank with filtering water.

Like my post, today's weather has been really random, been snowing off and on all day long, and it didn't accumulate, no, not cold enough for that. It would all melt, then God decided he wanted us to have snow again... and this process repeated quite a few times today. Snow was rather annoying though trying to walk to class in it.

I need to write a letter, I should do that soon before it really doesn't relate anymore...

I keep having all these random thoughts going through my head, but honestly, no one would care to read about them, so I guess I'm done for now...

2007-01-08T16:33:00.000-08:00

Back in school; tis ok so far.

Mom moved out; love her new house.

Still sick; saw doctor and on my way to getting better.

Can't wait to go back home for the three day weekend and see my boy!

Sometimes... life's just a bitch

2007-01-04T17:04:00.000-08:00

(Don't read unless you're in for a lot of venting and complaining)

I feel that I have been absolutely useless these past three weeks. Three weeks ago today I had my surgery. Was on my way to recovery when *bam* I was hit by what my family's been going through - cough, flu, fever, runny nose, stuffed up whatever, the whole bit.

My dad and my brother just got home from the doctors, my brother has pneumonia. I knew something wasn't right. The poor guy; he's been missing school and basketball (he made it to Varsity this year, I'm so proud of him!), and he's in so many hard classes. My dad didn't get checked out, but I guess the doctor gave him pills anyways. Makes me wonder if my mom or I have anything like that too...

I had my check up this morning for my surgery. Still healing, so I can't bring on the peanut butter yet. And I'm still supposed to "take it easy", no "skydiving" or anything like that... And no heavy lifting. My dad asked my doctor if I should be checked for anything, like my brother was checked today, but my doctor didn't think that was necessary. So now my dad wants me to go to my school's medical office Monday to get checked out if I still have this horrid thing. I don't want pneumonia... last thing I need, last thing anyone needs.

My dad, brother, and I have all been down for the past few weeks (I was out mostly cause of the surgery). My mother has also been down, but the poor gal, bless her soul, has been going to work, and packing up stuff to move into her new house this Saturday. Leah was really sick at one point, had a very high fever, but being the young gal that she is, was able to bounce back pretty easily. Miranda and Clarissa have just been lucky through this whole thing.

I currently can't hear very well out of my left ear. I've got pink eye in my left eye. My cough has calmed down for the moment thanks to drugs. I think my fever has gone completely, but I'm not sure. Can't taste or smell anything. Throat hurts sometimes since it's still in the healing process, and the coughing sure as hell doesn't help. The vicodin was nice while it lasted. My back is currently killing me, but what else is new. I haven't slept this much since I was a baby, honestly. It might sound nice, but really, I feel that so much time has been wasted by me "resting", trying to get rid of this thing.

My dad thinks that my mom brought this home from work. She works with homeless people, or those in need of help, at a counseling center. She was in pure wonderment for a while as to how she hadn't gotten anything from them... I was too. I'm not sure if she brought it home or not. My dad was sick before she was if I remember right, so how that would be possible, I'm not sure. He was sick before my surgery, so yah... this thing has been here for a while...

This "thing" has drained a good amount of everyone's energy. You get going on something for a little bit and then you have to rest so you don't fall over. It's rather annoying. Especially for my mom, who has been trying to pack up her stuff in time. My dad and Weston have both lost a rather large amount of weight; I have too on account of both this sickness and the surgery. And to note, it's scaring me a bit. My sister earlier said that I looked anorexic and I wouldn't doubt it. I haven't been this low in weight for years; simply not healthy. I'm just having a great deal of difficulty bouncing back.

Now don't get me wrong, there have been very very good parts during this winter break. In fact, my friends are the ones who are getting me through this, and Armaan, he's just been simply amazing. He's been there for me and done so much for me while I've been down. Alwyas tries to make me feel better about stuff. I had an awesome time with him and his family/friends during Christmas Eve/Christmas. Got to see him on New Years this time around, and the concert was fun, but I couldn't really get into it 1) because I had never heard of either group that was playing and therefore didn't know their stuff and 2) I was sorta still running a low fever and felt miserable the whole time. But shhh, we wont get into that... Armaan got me these beautiful diamond earrings and a necklace for Christmas. I was just completely blown away. They are just so beautiful :) And it's been nice getting to know his family; they are such wonderful people. Haven't gotten to spend as much time with him as I would have liked to, but the times that I have spent with him, I wouldn't trade for anything. I did get him sick at one point... and I felt horrible about that. He at first tried to hide it from me, then when Paul spilled the beans, Armaan still tried to make me feel ok about it. Like I said, he's simply amazing. :)

Thank God for Mary, and thank God for text messaging. Pretty much every day we've been texting back and forth, wondering how each other is doing. Life seems like it's much better for her now, and that makes me so happy. I was worried for a while there, but God's placed some very special people in her life and I'm so thankful for that. And thankful for her friendship; she too has also been there for me lately and it has truly helped so much!

I haven't seen Alicia as much as I've liked, and I'm hoping I can still make it to our get together Saturday so I can see her. God I miss that girl. Time always passes too quickly when we get together and talk about everything that's been going on. We are planning on going to our usual outting - Starbucks hehe. It's "our thing" to do.

Beck's in La Pine dogsitting for her aunt and uncle. Talked to Danie and we were supposed to be getting together at some point. Saw Mel at Starbucks one day, was gonna get together with her too. Stupid sickness just gets in the way of life.

I know everyone else has been getting sick during this winter season and I'm so sorry to hear it. I feel selfish in complaining so much about it above, but I really have been trying not to complain too much to people. I feel bad having people constantly asking how I'm feeling practically everyday. I just want to be able to wake up feeling refreshed, ready to go for the day, ready to conquer anything, ready to go hang out with friends, go shopping, ect. I don't want this useless feeling anymore.

Well this post is very very very long, and I should move on to something else. Finished the computer game I've been playing the past few days. Watched a million movies the past few weeks. Started my book, that's what I should do now...

2006-12-17T12:32:00.000-08:00

So the whole not talking thing didn't last too long yesterday... Today is another story though because the pain has increased and it hurts a heck of a lot more when trying to talk, eat, drink, breathe.

Becky came over yesterday, so of course I was going to talk then. Armaan called a few times, course I'm gonna talk then. Overall I've just been talking way too much, which sounds weird coming from the "quiet one" who doesn't talk much. Putting too much strain on my throat... oops!

Rereading over the papers from the doctor's, I'm at this for over another week, the pain only goes up from here, then once the scabs are gone and everything is healed... no more pain. I can't wait.

I hope my parents still let me take off for a bit on Christmas. I'll have to take it easy, but I can't stay here in bed forever.

So the lady came by yesterday with the presents... she way overdid herself. And my poor dad, I think it really took away some of his self esteem. Not that he wasn't grateful or anything, he was just a lil' upset, and I can understand why, but I'm still very thankful for what this lady did for us. My dad will be able to provide for the family again, I hope it's just sooner rather than later. He and mom are still able to go get us stuff, he was just really taken away by how much this lady brought, as were we all.

I've actually given myself a list of things to try to do today, we'll see how that goes...

The power outage was really weird last night... once the power came back on, I was able to begin reading the River God again woot woot. I wonder what the rest of the book is gonna be like. It's quite unlike anything I've ever read before.

I should find some sort of heater to put in here. My room is the coldest one in the house... Used to have a dehumidifier in here, not only does it heat up the room, but lulls (sp?) me to sleep too :)

Ok, I'm done being random, debating on whether I should take another pain med or not... hmm

2006-12-16T10:31:00.000-08:00

Due to pain, I have resorted to not talking any more, woot woot. This should be fun. And I'm trying to stay away from people because scabs forming in back of mouth equals bad breath. Argh, hello mucho tic tacs. I feel sorry for any one who is around me. Haha, gah that's embarassing, but whatev... comes along with getting the tonsils out. I'm just glad they are outta there.

We are expecting a lady to arrive soon with presents for us kids. This is so awkward... we've never been a family in need before, but I'm very thankful (and hoping that it isn't all too selfish). My mom's boss told her about this lady who likes to support a family every year around Christmas time. At first my mom thought she was supposed to find a family for this lady to support, but no, her boss meant for her to support us, and so we were all supposed to give her ideas as to what we wanted for Christmas. I guess she really went all out (widowed lady and slightly wealthy from what I've heard). I'm so thankful for people like her. She doesn't know how much it means to us. And the fact that she's using her money towards others, it's so nice of her; I hope I'm able to do that later in life. It is such an amazing feeling to help those who are in need (like my Mexico trip).

I had soup for the first time last night instead of my straight jello diet. Seriously I don't know if I can eat any more jello. I should try eating some of the ice cream Armaan got me, or one of the popsicles Mary got me :) What really sounds good is a grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoe soup. I can have the soup... but the sandwich is gonna have to wait for a week or so :(

So I'm hoping the other two movies I rented aren't like the two I've watched so far... not how I wanted them to end. But I guess we can't always get what we want huh... They are just movies anyways, but it's hard to find a good one these days where you actually like the full content of the movie. Maybe I'm just picky. That's prolly it.

I really should start reading my book if I ever want to actually read it for fun in my life. It's called the River God and both of the times I've started reading it, it's really good, I have just always run out of time... It's about ancient Egypt, which really catches my interest. I think I'll start reading it again today.

Ok, first, I'm making my way to the kitchen woot woot!

This is awesome!

2006-12-14T19:18:00.000-08:00

Totally had my surgery this morning and am feeling splendid.

The power is currently out at my house.

And I still have access to the internet.

Woot woot!

Movie time :)

Good bye tonsils, hello ice cream :)

2006-12-13T00:06:00.000-08:00

So in less than 36 hours I'll be having my tonsils out... that should be fun, except for not... I'm more nervous about the pain afterwards than the actual surgery, I think. Or perhaps it's being nervous about both, yah, that's more like it. It will be fine, I just want it all to be over...

Went to my pre-op appointment today and the doctor pretty much hammered into my head that I'm to take it easy, no lifting, straining, bla bla bla, for a week or so. This is so not going to be fun... yes, I'm always on the go, I like doing things for myself, and I get so bored just sitting there in bed feeling useless. He told me to take advantage of this time, complain all I want to the family, get a bell even (ha, right...). We'll just have to see how it goes I guess.

I've been working on my room all day long trying to get it set up and unpacked and whatnot. It's still a complete mess, but I'm getting somewhere with it, I think. I think I'll get a futon after my mom takes my bed to her place. Seems like it would be easier to have in here and allow more room too. I should set up my tree tomorrow. And my lights. Got my speakers set up! I'm so happy :) My dad's stuff is all moved out. On my way to having my own room again woot woot. Now the closet is a different story... why on earth do I have so many shoes... I'm a woman myself and I don't even understand them... (them being women) Whatever...

This whole house is a complete mess... boxes everywhere. It's sad, the walls are beginning to look really bare and things in the house just aren't the same anymore. Sunday was really hard while being at church (first time I'd been there in quite sometime), people were coming up to me being encouraging (which was really nice) and by the end of it, I left the church in tears (one lady had started crying, which got me going... not the best of days). (I guess they announced at the church the weekend before that my parents were getting divorced and that my dad was leaving the church or something like that.) I think the realism of it all has just sort of hit me lately in actually being back home. I hope I'm well enough by the time my mom moves out, I'm sure I will be. My dad's convinced I'll be down in bed forever, just checked the calendar, and my mom doesn't move for another three weeks. I can help her move :) I can't wait to see her place, and hopefully with the similar layout it will make it seem like this home.

My throat is beginning to hurt... Doctor said no more of one of the prescriptions I'm on, which sucks cause it was the one keeping the swelling down. Now I have this constant feeling of something in the back of my throat. Oh yay... I shouldn't be complaining... I'm getting those suckers out of there soon, but still... And then my back has been acting up again lately, like last night, oh my god, I couldn't find a comfortable sleeping position whatsoever. I finally had to just hold part of my back till I fell asleep. I need a new body...

I got another betta today. Still need to name him. He's blue. Atorie doesn't like him much. Sad.

I should sleep now.

This house is so empty!

2006-12-07T23:49:00.000-08:00

There is like no one else in the house... it's crazy... I'd have left too if I could have... Twelve hours and my dad will be here to come and get me! I am so freakin' excited!

And I totally moved into my new room in the corvallis house tonight, didn't have to wait till after winter break which was pretty nice :)

Funny thing... So when I first moved into this house, while unpacking I was watching "The Notebook"... never finished it. I just now finished it while packing up and unpacking again, haha. I can't believe my computer still remembered where I had left off after 11 weeks... amazing!

So I just updated this blogger thing to the new one... and my gmail account has gotten like 10 emails saying so. Stupid thing keeps sending me the same damn email. It had better stop soon! Or else... um... I dunno...

I should sleep now cause I gotta get up early to go meet with my advisor for classes, and then at some point I need to do head clean... hmm...

Had to go to the Student Health Center again... got more pills, and I think everything is working now. I hope. Less than a week now till surgery, woot woot!

This room is such a mess... back to cleaning it up and getting ready to be picked up!

I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY RIGHT NOW! :) And I can't wait for tomorrow, or now today I guess... for many reasons... :)

2006-12-07T00:12:00.000-08:00

My back has been absolutely killing me the past few days...

And my throat...

And my stomach... though I think that that is just side effects from re-entering myself in taking these pills for my throat.

Ok, I'm done complaining... I am almost done with finals woot woot! One more tomorrow, and then I'll spend all afternoon packing up my part of the room and then... be bored till Friday morning... oh yay...

And my mind has gone blank... and I don't really feel that great... so I'm going to bed...

2006-12-04T16:12:00.000-08:00

Omg my heart is still pounding... I was cutting it really really close on time turning that paper in. But I got it turned in and I can breathe now... though my body doesn't seem to think so. I can't believe I was finishing it on the way here, and then I had to finish it here so I could get some things from the book because stupid me left it here in Corvallis over the weekend. Oh well, it's done, and turned in.

So... it really needs to be Friday, so I can go home and put my room back together so it screams me! I can't wait to put up my tree, my lights, and MY SPEAKERS! Damn I miss those... good thing I never set them up in this room here in Corvallis... I would have gotten complaints from the whole house I'm sure. My little laptop speakers have sufficed though.

I have three finals this week... Not too worried about Bio or Women Studies... it's O. Chem I'm worried about. Thankfully it's my first test, and it's tomorrow morning, so the sooner I get it over with the better. I'd really have to start way back at the beginning in order to truly study hard for it, which I'll try to do, but I only have tonight to do that. I spent a good deal of my weekend concentrating on Bio because I really want to tackle that down since it is my field of study... I have so many notecards and more to make up, but I think that will make it easier to study.

Gah, my heart is still racing... I hope the paper sounded ok... I should have typed that stupid thing over a month ago. Grrr... Mandy, it's over. Breathe.

My mom is moving out of the house on Jan. 3rd. It's going to be so hard. It's already been hard hearing who is getting what. My poor mom went into tears a few days ago while I was talking to her on the phone cause my dad wont let her take the picture books of us kids. He wants to keep them because he apparently thinks she'd just keep them forever for herself and not ever share them. He wants to make copies, so I heard... like that'll happen any time soon, if at all. There are so many pictures... At least my mom gets the baby books, she did birth each of us you know... she has a right to that.

I guess my family got a christmas tree off of our property this year. Christmas is going to be so weird this year. I'll probably sneak off to a friend's for a bit just to escape the weird feeling of it all. It's weird just visiting at home even. I guess that's to be expected. Thankfully I have my room there still that I can go spend lots of time in. I need to set up my room so that it will make me feel 'at home', especially since I'll be in there for quite a bit after my surgery. My mom was mentioning how I should clean it really well before hand, which I plan on doing anyways. Then I'll set it up with my lights, speakers, etc. and I'll be set for however long I live in my room, which can be a very long time, sick or not. And it will NO LONGER be my dad's "office". Haha, I need my room!

That's one thing I miss alot, having all of my stuff together, exactly how I want it set up, so that it exclaims that it's me. That every aspect of the room is how I like it. When it's that way, I can spend so many hours in there. It's peaceful, resting. Guess I'll have to wait to get a place of my own in order to feel that way again (or just move it all back home next summer). It's hard having stuff here in Corvallis, and the rest of my room back in Gaston. I can't wait for it to be altogether again, which I'm hoping that that will happen this next summer. In all honesty, I'll probably end up back home next summer. I really can't afford a place of my own, and Beck will be going back to her place. Not sure what Mary is doing. I'll have to wait another year or so. I guess since I'd be living with one parent that it'd be better than how it has been, which I've been taking into consideration when thinking about living situation this next summer. So I guess it could be alright, it would just take some getting used to.

I'd still like to get a job at the zoo, and living closer would make it alot easier, but I just don't see it happening (moving to like Hillsboro or Beaverton area near a max line that is). If it comes to it that I need a car for whatever job (say I possibly go back to the golf course), I'd have to live at home anyways. I just need to get a job for next summer first, then go from there. I don't care where I go anymore, as long as I can have all of me back together again. All of my stuff in one place. It would be simply wonderful.

Life is simply wonderful beyond those things. Last night was so cute! Beck and Jordan are now official. Beck was sending me every little bit of their conversation. It was so sweet. Alicia got to hang out with her "crush" last night; a one on one at zoo lights. She gave me a call to let me know how it went and all that. Sounds like she had a good time :)

Got to go to a comedy club thing on Friday night with Armaan and his family and their friends. It was so funny, I really liked it alot. Reminded me of Whose Line Is It Anyway. It also reminded me of skits and stuff that I used to do all the time in school when I was younger. Talent shows and whatnot, boy that brings back memories. I miss acting, wish I had tried out for the school plays. I should try and find some program here at OSU, get involved. I'm sure that'd be fun.

Surgery is a week from Thurs. I'm kinda nervous. But I'll be glad to finally have some closure on this stupid thing.

This weekend was totally awesome, pretty much lived at my second home... Armaan's place. Always a comforting place to be, and hanging out with my boy was wonderful as always. I'm so proud of myself... I even got studying done while he was at work. Yay for productivity! haha

I guess we do have a cook for this week! Yay! Good... food... dinner time now woot woot! And then studying forever, I am so excited, you don't even know...

2006-11-30T17:16:00.000-08:00

So today has been really good. Pretty much been unproductive, but I've been thinking about how to study some of my stuff, that should count for something hehe.

Not sure why... but I feel stress free at the moment, just one of those days where everything seems right with the world, wish they could all be like this... but where would the fun in that be if life was always perfect and wonderful... I know what could make my day even better, but he lives quite a ways away... get to see him tomorrow tho :)

Tonight Beck and I are gonna decorate her apartment, and take pictures of ourselves in dresses all snazzied up cause we are dorks like that, but it's so fun!

I really need to update my iriver with all my new songs...

And I just got a call from Beck, so I'm off to repack my bag for her place tonight, woot woot!

2006-11-29T22:02:00.000-08:00

Currently have the worst head ache in the world due to lack of sleep... so I'm off to bed soon... And also... my throat is hurting cause I haven't taken any of my pills today, stupid of me I know... I was trying to kinda spread em' out (I only have two left) since the doctor's wont give me any more unless my throat starts swelling up again... so I have a feeling that this weekend I'll be making a trip out to the pharmacy to get more.

Anywho, on to more happy things :) Past few days have been awesome! In other words, I got to hang with my boy and it was wonderful *sigh* Never seems long enough... I get to see him again this weekend though, so it's all good.

They just put on Fiddler on the Roof in the room I'm in. I think I saw this years ago... Looks interesting.

Got my O. Chem test back today; twas about time. Totally killed it. So I'm pretty much prepared to retake it again next year. Doesn't bother me that much, I'll just try harder next time around, go talk to the professor, TA's and such. It would make next term easier; I could concentrate harder on my Bio... get my Stats class out of the way... I really dislike taking two science classes at once... And I prefer chemistry that involves math... not this silly figure stuff, switching one proton to another and yada yada, silly people who study this stuff...

Alright, I'm off... I'd write more but I literally can't even think my head hurts so bad... And you know you need sleep when every little sound is driving you insane...

I'm going to miss my sleeping buddy tonight :(

I should write a book...

2006-11-26T00:29:00.000-08:00

I could see the pain in his eyes, the thoughts racing through his head; made the rest of us kids wonder what was going to happen next. I was holding my breath and trying to hold back the stinging tears that were pressing forward. Left the house in order to escape my reality and let the streaks run down my face, realizing that nothing would be the same anymore. We would be treated differently from now on. Few moments to myself had me gathering my thoughts and calming down. The ring of a phone was heard. Sound of someone's voice made my world feel peaceful and worry-free, and I could then sleep in peace...

True story, but kinda confusing when put that way... haha. I should write a book, or finish the one I started months ago... I like writing...

Currently talking to a friend online about something and once again, I'm worried that I've gotten myself into trouble, but I think things are resolving... *sigh* if only life wasn't so complicated... I just wish people could be happy, truly happy. But it doesn't always work that way I guess...

It's funny, I posted that blog the other day about my wonderful boyfriend and that very night he did the cutest, most sweetest thing in the world. He surprised me with roses, a husky from build-a-bear (with the name Budsy - which is the name I wanted to name it if I had ever decided to get one from there, and which is also the name for my future real husky if I get one) with a little baby that came with it, and he surprised me by being there altogether. I just kinda tackled him with a hug and a kiss. It was just the most wonderful thing in the world. I don't even have words to explain how happy that made me. Like my whole post basically said, he's amazing, and I'm so glad to have him in my life. I honestly don't know what I did to deserve all that... Wish he was here so I could tackle him with another hug and kiss and just hold onto him tight...

I really should be going to sleep now... I'm exhausted, and I've got a long ass drive ahead of me tomorrow back to Corvallis (currently at my cousin's in Cali). Didn't get any of my hw done... damn it. Yay for hw in the car woot woot! I am off to the dream world now... really really need my snuggle buddy...

Realizing just how lucky I am...

2006-11-21T17:20:00.000-08:00

I just have to say that I am so thankful for having Armaan in my life and that he is just an amazing person to know and be with. I honestly don't know what I would do without him.

Past few weeks I've been hearing about so many different boy dilema's from my gal friends and I honestly don't mind hearing about them, just makes me so glad to have a wonderful and amazing guy of my own. I listen and try and give advice to my friends. I get excited when they have new stories to tell me and think it's the cutest thing. I'm there for those who have problems with boys who wont leave them alone. I'm there for those who can't decide on what to do about the boys they have in their life and who are causing them a great amount of emotional stress. I'm here and always will be here for them all. It can be hard though when I don't know what to say or do, and lots of times I feel as if I'm in the middle of things and I really don't want to screw anything up.

I'm just so thankful that I have that boy in my life who has been there for me, fulfills my dream of that amazing person I was once looking for. The fact that I don't have to go through this constant drama I hear about is so relieving. There is no worry in not being able to ever find him, and I don't mean that just having a boyfriend is all I need, no, it goes beyond that. Don't just have a significant other to have one. I love Armaan because he completes me, brings me through harsh times, offers new things, ideas, thoughts to me, he lets me be who I am (and I really appreciate that). He's more than just a boyfriend and I truly love and admire that.

I realize this post is pretty selfish (but it's really worth it), and any single girl who would read this would just say I'm lucky and I've heard often times that I suck... (jokingly of course), but I just couldn't go on without saying that he's truly a wonderful person, fun, loving, can make me laugh at any time, whether I'm up or down. Knows me. Understands me. Listens and gives advice. Encourages me. Shares some of the same background. Easy to talk to. And I love how lots of times, he's up for trying new things, or not embarrassed for things he does (or maybe he just hides it really well, either way, he turns things around so that they are just funny in the end). All I know is that he is one person in my life who makes me truly happy.

It might be too soon to be saying all that in our almost three months of dating (again), but I think I've gotten to know him much better this time around and it's been awesome. This is just what I have experienced and seen so far, and he and I still have so much more to learn about each other. I'm enjoying every bit of it!

Armaan, I love you :)

What do I do...

2006-11-20T16:15:00.000-08:00

So apparently both of my parents have this feeling (or perhaps it's just my mother) that I'm going to drop out of college. That makes me feel great... I have never even considered that. I'm going to make it all the way through, that's been my goal ever since I knew what going to college meant. I started something and now I'm going to finish it. My mom was talking to me about stuff last night and I didn't know how to take it. I need others, especially my parents, to help give me confidence in the fact that I can make it through. Sure it's tough, this term especially, but I know I can do it. I know I can do better than I have been doing. This term has been majorly screwed up, plus I've got a million other things going on in life at the moment that have distracted my attention from my studies.

I just wish I could do something to show my parents that I am trying, that I can make it through. I have confidence in myself and I know my friends have confidence in me. What did I do to give off this impression? It frustrates me. My parents were so proud of me once I graduated from high school, and it seems like everything has been shattered. I almost feel like I can't do anything right anymore when it comes to my parents. My mom told me she was disappointed in me for something and I understand, but it's my life, I'm living it according to who I am. What am I supposed to do? Go back to exactly how my life was once I graduated? I don't think so...

It was just frustrating last night being told all these things and me thinking in my head what it is I have done or am doing that has them thinking the way they do. Yes, they are my parents. Yes, they care. It's just, it seems like I still have to watch out for every little thing I do, cause they'll hear about it or ask me about it or talk to me about it. Now I remember why I wanted to move out of state so bad once I graduated... I just really want to be moved out of that house altogether and go back and visit cause apparently everything else going on in my life is either disappointing or they are worried about me screwing it up.

I know it's not that bad, but it sure feels that way. I kinda just wanted to curl up and cry last night. Cause every time my mom talks to me about a few certain topics, I start feeling guilty for living my life the way I do, when that is just how I want to live it. I was thinking about stuff all the way back to Corvallis last night, 'cept when Becky brought up some topic and so on. I'm trying not to let any of it get to me, but obviously it is. I just don't know what to do.

My mom also brought up next summer, which I don't really feel like going into, but I know for sure what not to do in order to not disappoint my parents further. There was one thing she said that made me feel better last night. I was quite thankful for that.

I had a much needed and really good talk with Armaan a few nights ago about stuff. Made me feel a lot better! Heck, talking to him any time makes me feel better. Makes my day. Now if only the conversations I have with my parents could leave me as comforted as the ones between Armaan and I do... But no... that won't ever happen. I think Armaan just understands me better in the life I'm living, a life in which my parents wont be able to understand and are trying to "save" me from.

I don't know what to do overall. Just keep living my life the same way? Or change things? I don't want to change. I like who I am, and I know others who do as well. One thing I absolutely do need to change is my school tactics... Need to get back on track of things, get my grades up, study harder. Once the divorce is over, and my surgery has passed and my throat is better, perhaps then, I will be able to put my mind at ease.

All I know at this point is this: college is hard but I'm going to make it through. I don't know what I want to do with my life yet, but I'll eventually find out and it will be ok. My parents do love me and always will, even when they are disappointed in me, and it will all be alright in the end. I just need to reassure myself of these things constantly and try not to worry about them.

I just need to breathe, make it through the rest of this term, rest over winter break, then start all over again. *sigh*

Number 5

2006-11-16T01:50:00.000-08:00

So it's my fifth round of having this stupid thing happen with my throat. I give up, I'll just be on antibiotics till my surgery I guess. I took a pain killer earlier, which means I can't really concentrate while trying to study for my O. Chem test that I have tomorrow. So now, I'm just writing to relieve some stress, and maybe write down some thoughts, if they'll even make sense, seeing as how I can't really think at the moment.

I can't wait for it to be winter break. Yes, I'll be out of it for two weeks or so, but still, I wont have to worry about studying, reading, doing homework for a month. I just can't wait!

Most of the house here is closed down to us new members due to the house dance taking place this weekend, which kind of sucks if you want to go to a quiet place and study... Oh well. It will be cool to see pics afterward from the dance so I can see what it will actually look like (since I won't be attending). I don't even know what the planned theme of the dance is yet. The old members have been secretly doing little things here and there getting the rooms ready for the dance. I tried prying information out of my roommate, but that didn't go anywhere...

It needs to be Friday, so that my test will be over, I'll be over at Armaan's, and I can finally write my paper for Women Studies with ease. I have all my notes written out, I just need to turn them into a paper and try and remember what the heck each note is saying... (listened to this guys speech like over a month ago... don't really remember too much of what he said... dang it). My swing dancing paper should be super easy to write, and it only has to be a page I think. Then I need to start printing off information for my zine project... oh boy...

Next week should be interesting... I'm going with my dad and siblings to Cali for Thanksgiving. My mom brought up the point though that the passes might be snowed in, which could prevent us from going. I just hope that if we do end up going, this doesn't happen after we have already made it through. I can't afford to get stuck down there... can't afford to miss school... So now I'm stuck with this bad dilema in my head. Almost just want to have Thanksgiving with my mom just to be safe, and plus I feel horrible deserting her. How does one choose between that sort of thing? If I don't go, I'll never hear the end of it from my cousin and I really do want to see her, it's been over a year... way too long... I don't know, I just won't worry about it till next week when I find out the weather report.

On a good note, a lot of the drama going on in my life is finally subsiding (I think that's the correct word...). But it will be never-ending I'm sure.

I really need to go to bed soon, my painkiller is wearing off and my throat is beginning to hurt again, not so much fun...

2006-11-06T21:49:00.000-08:00

Is it sad that I could literally watch the new iTunes visualizer for hours? Especially while listening to stuff by Enigma...?

good byes

2006-11-06T19:10:00.000-08:00

I hate good byes... why are they "good" anyways? I watched two cars drive off (at different times) yesterday till I couldn't seem them anymore, and held back my tears knowing I'd see those special people in my life soon again.

Anywho, luckily my Women's Studies stuff isn't due till Thurs... or else I'd be working intently on that right now... I've had the hardest time staying awake today, especially in O. Chem... that class is just so boring... I finally caved in and slept a little bit on the couch while Beck was here researching stuff for her project. By the time I was able to go up to the sleeping porch, I couldn't sleep... oh well. I'll just go to bed early tonight in hopes of getting a good night's rest.

I'm currently waiting for this gentleman to show up so I can pick out a sweatshirt to buy with the AZA logo on it... they said he'd be back this week. Would have done it last week but I was in a rush for my midterm...

I really hope these next four weeks pass by quickly. Talking and hanging out with Armaan and Mary this past weekend made me want to move back to Portland more than ever. Alicia is there in Portland too. I miss going to Starbucks and just sitting there and chatting with her all the time. I wont be able to move back so I might as well stop dreaming... Unless I get a whole bunch of scholarships... hmm...

Gah, I have so many things I have to fix on my computer now... And I can't figure out how to fix them... it's getting rather annoying. It's not like anything is working incorrectly, it's just my settings that I can't set back to how they normally were. Rather annoying...

So this past weekend was totally awesome. I got to sleep in my own bed (which gave me a bad back... huh?), see the puppies (so freakin' cute, I want them all), hang with my boy, hang with my fellow peni Mary, and it was just a really relaxing weekend believe it or not. I bought way too much, or spent way too much money rather... No wonder I can't pay for college, but hey, I needed a good deal of the stuff, so it's ok, I guess...

I had some talks with my parents (separately, I'm gonna have to get used to this) this weekend about my major and its possibilities. I need to figure out some sort of goal so I'm not constantly feeling like I'm just going to school to go to school, just taking classes because that's what I'm supposed to do. I need some sort of goal to get me motivated. And this term hasn't been the greatest, so I'll have to probably retake at least one of them. Oh well, things usually click the second time around for me anyways.

I like Bio now, the new professor is awesome and so funny.

Ok, I really need to start something... if not, I'll watch Lost... I'm such a horrible person... but I'm almost caught up in the show!

Bubble tests...

2006-10-30T21:45:00.000-08:00

Whoever thought of inventing bubble tests to make life sooo much easier on professors and improve technology was stupid... You're probably thinking I don't make any sense, and in a lot of cases I don't, but when you have a freaking long name that takes forever to fill out because you have to make sure every little circle is completely filled in, I think you'd understand...

I should just change my name to something short... some tom-boyish name, like Joe or Sam, or Alex... and then some random short last name...

And that bio test... oh god... what a joke, I might as well just quit now... change my major to something easier and interesting... instead of learning how the stinking gametophyte has gametes that... yada yada yada

Now I'm about to study for my women's studies midterm that I have tomorrow morning... woot woot...

Armaan's coming in the next few hours! He's gonna go to my swing dancing class with me tomorrow hehe. And tomorrow night is going to be awesome!

Time

2006-10-28T20:14:00.000-07:00

There are some days that I wish I could just relive over and over again, and then others in which I wish the memories would just fade or vanish forever. This statement doesn't really have anything to do with the rest of my post, but it's true for just about anyone. I just wish I could visualize a time in my mind and just place myself in it once again, where I was happy, felt safe, was comfortable with the surroundings, etc. And it's not like this doesn't happen, it's just at the moment I wish I could. Give me a few days and I'll be able to...

Right now my mind is just bla and I can't think whatsoever. It's even hard to think with music going on. I think it's just nerves. I was told not to think about stuff too much again, and am trying not to, but gah, this is annoying. To be honest, I don't even know what it is that is bothering me. And that bugs the heck out of me, cause then I'm just down (or bla) for no apparent reason, which is stupid. It's just one of those days where all you're feelings are mixed and you don't know why you feel the way you do. And then it's always gone the next day. Whatever...

I'm listening to music that is bringing back memories of just a certain time. I don't know if others go through that, or if that even makes sense, where there was certain music they listened to during a certain time in their life and it (the music) is just associated with that time from then on. Like, when I was living at cannon bitch, there were these certain songs that I listened to during that summer and that music reminds me of the beach, and what I was going through, whenever I hear it. Or the one summer I was listening to All American Rejects all the time, reminds me of just sitting there playing Sims on the computer during that summer. And lately, there have been different smells that have reminded me of my dorm last year (which I'm sort of beginning to miss), or from other places I had gone and will probably never go to again. It's interesting in how much everything has changed since a year ago. Not only in my life, but in the others around me.

I think I know what's bugging me, and it's pretty much just the fact that I'm really stressed out and scared. Scared of these changes. Scared of what's to come. I'm so worn out from a lot of what's been going on. I don't know how to relax any more without having taken some sort of relaxing pills. I almost can't wait to have my surgery in some respects so that I don't have to worry about anything, just worry about getting through pain. So that I can just lay back and rediscover what it is to relax. And also, during that time, I can see my friends all the time. I miss them so much and honestly, I don't know where I'd be right now without them.

I've discovered (actually I've been told over and over again) something about myself that I'm hoping to change. It's pretty much that I do things in order to almost hide my past, or what's going on in life. I don't express stuff, like Alicia says, I keep stuff in way too much and am not able to let it go until I'm about ready to explode. I want to be more open, so that I'm not worrying, not so stressed, not so alone inside. Lately I've been spilling the contents of my heart out to a few people because I'm just so torn inside I don't know what to think anymore. And thinking is where I get into trouble, cause I don't talk things out, I just ponder about them on my own and am left to worry about things till I can't take it anymore.

I really am happy with my life. I have a loving boyfriend, loving friends, parents who love me (and even if they are getting divorced and life's going to change for all of us, they are still going to always be there for me), loving siblings (through fights and all). I'm in school, in which sure, it can seem like hell most times, but at least I got here. It's just, I can't handle the weight of everything else that goes beyond these things by myself.

My throat is better at the moment. My dad brought me more prescription drugs yesterday, and those on top of what Armaan gave me seem to be working miracuously. No pain.

I don't mean to make this or other postings so self centered and downcast. I don't think many people even read this to begin with. But still, I hope I don't come across as downright depressed... I just need to stop worrying about things, let them go, move on. Live my life as it is now, get used to change. I like change, sometimes. I think I made a mistake in coming to OSU, but what's done is done.

Tomorrow I'm going to a 5 acre hauted corn maze with Becky and Krista, which should be pretty awesome. Tuesday Armaan and a few other friends are coming down here for halloween. That will be awesome. I can't wait to give Armaan a big hug hehe. I've got two midterms I gotta get through first, then it will be time for fun.

I get to go home next weekend and sleep in my own bed! I'm pretty excited about that. I just learned today that I'll probably be losing my bed when my mom moves into her own place. So this should be interesting. I was talking to my dad today about the possibilities of next summer and where I might be living. As of this moment, I haven't the slightest clue of where it will be. Who knows... I'll probably box up a good majority of my stuff over winter break. I kind of just want to get out on my own, or find a roommate for the summer somewhere. Not sure if I will be staying with my mom or my dad.

Well, I'm off to fold laundry, maybe watch a little Lost so as to calm down, and then study some bio before I sleep...

it's dad's weekend

2006-10-27T15:31:00.000-07:00

So my dad should be arriving within the next few hours... shall be interesting since there is like nothing to do in Corvallis...

Took my O. Chem test last night... answers are now posted on Blackboard, but I really don't want to look at them yet. I'm still getting over the fact that it's over. I don't want to think about how I did yet...

Speaking of Blackboard, I really like PSU's version better (which is called WebCT). Blackboard is lame. They don't have the cool discussion boards for ever class like PSU did. And everything was easier to find... Oh well...

I kinda just wanna sit back, relax, and watch Lost till my dad gets here... I think I might, cause I'm not in the mood for studying Biology at the moment...

First I'm off to a small group thing I was invited too... then... LOST! Oh I can't wait!

2006-10-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

Taking a slight break since I've been pretty productive the past few hours, go me!

I'm going to pretty much be studying my ass off through next Tuesday, three midterms (this Thurs, next Mon and Tues). I have to catch up on my readings in O. Chem, then do the practice problems, then go over past term tests (which there are answers included which makes it so much easier), also go over recitation papers (skipped last weeks class so now I gotta figure out what these answers mean haha). Fun fun. Then right after Thursday's midterm gotta start cracking for Bio on Monday (so many study questions to do, good thing I started the reading a while ago) cause my dad is coming for dad's weekend, so I gotta allow some time to hang out with him while he is here (Fri-Sat). Sunday morning I'm meeting up with some gals to work on our Women's Studies magazine due at the end of the term. I just switched groups cause they needed another person, good thing it's the same topic... Then sometime between monday night after bio midterm and tuesday morning i need to study for the women's studies midterm... err... might have to do that some during the weekend too... damn tests being right next to each other...

I'm amazingly not stressed out and in a rather good mood. Lately I've been pissed off at my throat, but today it decided to stop hurting... yay! I think the stuff Armaan gave me is working! I think I'm still gonna grab the other antibiotics from my dad so I can get a double dosage and completely rid myself of it (which wont happen cause it will just flare up again after the two weeks of pills are up, but I can always dream). I tried upping (god is that even a word? haha) my surgery, but now I'm going to Cali for Thanksgiving weekend, and the nurse person my dad talked to yesterday said that it would most likely take me out of school for two weeks, so forget that. I should have just done it at the beginning of the term when we were just starting out... wouldn't have missed any tests that way... oh well. I'll just be on antibiotics till the surgery I guess, but that's better than being on nothing.

I just decided I like listening to Christina Aguilera. I like her voice and am jealous of how strong it is... mine is so soft and bla compared to hers... Anywho...

I feel like dancing... probably cause of the music I've been listening to. There are so many dances coming up within the next few weeks, gonna have to miss most of em' cause of school work; need to get Armaan down here for a few of em' tho.

I bought Atorie a new tank, I think he likes it... it even has a hole at the top so I don't have to risk getting bit when feeding him... It even has running water and a light (light is what I was going for). Now I have no idea what I'll do with him Thanksgiving weekend, take him to Cali with me? That should be fun... Maybe I can figure out a way to get him to my mom some time beforehand, since because of the what's going on, she isn't coming with us to Cali (which saddens me quite a bit). I think I'm going to hate Christmas...

I got a bike! But I haven't figured out how to work my bike lock yet... therefore I've still been walking all over... I'll get to it eventually.

I think my computer is possessed... it can't make up it's mind as to how much space I have left on my hard drive (I think that's what it's called...). It's back up to a reasonable number now thanks to my dad clearing out some stuff for me, but gah... so frustrating...

I'm so proud of myself. I have my bio pre-lab done already. Leaving my whole night devoted to O. Chem, 'cept my chores, which hopefully I'll be done with by 8. I need to set apart some time to look at some info my mom printed out for me having to do with my major and possible job opportunities (and even possibly summer jobs, such as next summer...). I didn't know Oregon had a primate center, that'd be cool. My dad and I had talked about me possibly working at the San Diego zoo during the summer (or even Marine World would be cool), but I honestly don't think I could bare moving that far away from everyone for three months...

I love Autumn. The leaves are so pretty, and just walking around, sure it's cold and rainy, but it's kinda refreshing. I need Mary here so we can go around jumping in every possible puddle and come back completely soaking wet. That was so awesome, I wish we could have gotten a picture. We tried, but the lighting in our room was horrible... Our clothes were all over the room trying to dry out, it was quite entertaining... Wish I could do that now actually, go around jump in some puddles having hella fun (more fun at night), then come back, sit in front of a fire, drink hot tea (cause hot cocoa just makes me sick sadly...) and talk of old times. *sigh* I guess that could be taken as either an awesome friend get together or romantic scenario... either way works for me hehe

I should probably get back to work while I'm in the mood for it... though, I wish I could just write and write. It's kind of cool to just let whatever is on your mind out onto, um, the internet... haha (I'd say paper, but yah...). I was sleeping at this time exactly a week ago...

Short, sweet, simple

2006-10-20T00:28:00.000-07:00

Fourth time my throat has swollen up. I give up...

School has me majorly stressed, but amazingly I'm not letting it get to me too much.

All drugged up again, therefore I can't concentrate on anything (which would help solve some of the stress). I want to work on stuff, but I wont be able to go any where with it cause of the vicodin. This stupid whatever it is has really put a damper on my life the past month and a half. Has it really been that long... gah.

I'm angry at myself for not studying more, and my plan today was to, and then, of course, my throat just had to flame up. Ok, I'm done venting, this thing just really pisses me off... I was cussing up a storm earlier while trying to look info up earlier about tonsillitis. But I'm trying to maintain a good attitude, I mean, I should be getting used to this by now... right? And I'm tired of people feeling sorry for me. I appreciate it, I really do, I'm just sorry bringing it up over and over again. I just feel like a constant burden, and eventually someone's gonna get tired of hearing about it. But it's not even my fault. I would go on without telling them, but you know... it has to come up at one point or another cause I just can't hide pain or the truth for that matter.

In other news, good news actually, I talked to Courtney tonight!!! God I miss that girl. I'll just keep going with good news. Armaan came and surprised me on Tuesday! It was the cutest thing, and I'm such a lucky girl to have him in my life. I really am. I get to see him tomorrow too, hehe, along with Mary! Whom I havn't seen in over a month. It will be awesome to see her. And then Saturday I get to see my wife Alicia or, is she my husband... Either way, I'm "married" to her haha. But we are gonna go to starbucks, just like ol' times!!!! It's gonna be awesome! And I get to see my family tomorrow, and the puppies. I've been waiting all week for this weekend, and actually this week was pretty awesome with Armaan coming. Aww, it was just what I needed. It was all just so perfect, can't really explain it. And I love surprises like that. And the chocolate he brought hehehe

I should probably head to bed soon, or should have hours ago... but I've been talking to Courtney and been finding out how much alike we are. Must be cousins haha.

So it wasn't short... and some of it wasn't sweet... and nothing is really simple. But I tried haha

You Save Me

2006-10-14T00:07:00.000-07:00

Good song...

I think I'm going to go insane. I live for my weekends, and then, when I can't go home or see those I love, I just sit here, rather depressed. I know, I'm supposed to give it time, but I don't even know what I'm doing here anymore, now I'm just trying to find my way back to where I was. It's so confusing. And it's so lonely here.

I've been wanting to go into Portland for pretty much over a month now, for a few specific reasons, but there is one in particular. And I've been to Portland a few times, but each of those times, I haven't been able to do what I went there to do, which is to sit by my fountain and write in my journal catching up on how much my life has changed and pretty much reversed. It sounds crazy yes, but, there is so much I just need to let out onto paper, I don't know why, but it helps. And why I have to do it in Portland, I don't know, I mean, I can write in it wherever. And I do. It's just, part of the history I want to write about happened there. Or it involves people from my past (and present) where memories were made. It just seems fitting.

It's weird even to be blogging. I haven't done it as much as I used to. And I should do it more, since it's quicker than spending the time writing it all down in my diary. But then again... you can't write everything online...

I want to go to Beaverton, Portland, and even home. I want to see my boyfriend, friends, family. I miss them like crazy. My title "You Save Me" - it's so true of those close to me. They really save me. A great deal of this past year has been really difficult, and they've helped me through it. And there have been points when I thought I had lost those close friends, but I have gained them back, and our friendships are even stronger now than they were before. Which is what has me partly confused now to be honest... how did I end up in Corvallis? Yes, I was partly running away from my past, but seriously, Corvallis? Haha, there is nothing to do out here. I have Beck, but, it's not the same as being back "home" (which includes my actual house with my family, and anywhere that Armaan, Mary and Alicia are). And yes, I came to Corvallis for other reasons too besides escaping memories, but still... bla! I came here to meet people, and I know, it's only the end of the third week of school. I still have the rest of the year to meet lots of people. It's just hard to all of the sudden jump into something new and get involved... give me time, and I should be fine eventually... It's just getting there...

Sure, this is probably a better school for my field of study. Ha... field of study, I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. OSU isn't a bad school, the people here are nice. The house is ok... wouldn't live in it again... but it's ok. I like/want the freedom of being able to sleep where I want, when I want... There are actually trees here in Corvallis as compared to the, what is it, like two in the park blocks in Portland? Ok, so maybe there are a few more than that.

I think, really, what it is, is that I am so scared of losing what I just regained. They have no idea how much they mean to me, what their friendship means to me. And I'm just sitting here realizing how much I miss them. I just can't lose it all again. Life went so downhill when that happened. And being with them, is just so fun and it keeps me going. All my friends do. I'm just so scared that since now I'm away, and we only see each other every so often, that it's going to fall apart again. I don't think it will, and I hope to God it doesn't.

Maybe I'm just being silly, but it happened once, and it was really hard to go through. And then all of this stuff at home, it's driving me insane. I can't pick sides between my parents. I'm scared for that whole situation too. I feel so bad for my siblings, having to live in a constant stressful home. I think it's worn the whole family out.

And I'm tired of being sick. Have to wait till December for the surgery and I'm afraid I'll be on these antibiotics till then.

So much school work to catch up on. Ugh...

Good news... I'm catching up in Lost. Loving it! I have the awesomest friends, including my wonderful boyfriend whom I love dearly. And overall, life is good. Funny saying that after a rather depressing post... but I can use anything happy 'bout now. Life really never is that bad, it's just one of those times when everything is being thrown at me and it seems like life is closing in on me. I swear my next post will be happier and it will be soon too... Must go now to clear my thoughts...

speechless, but yet thoughts are full of words

2006-10-04T00:18:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted. Tired. Cold. Hungry. Stressed. Torn. Broken. And yet, life goes on.

So much is going on at home, I can't think about what I need to be getting done - schoolwork. I'm trying not to think of what's going on at home, but it's hard not to. I just want to write about my life and let it out, but I don't have time, nor energy. It's all so unreal, and yet, the fact that it's happening has slapped me with reality. I need to get back to my stuff so I can sleep... gah!

a treasure beyond words

2006-09-01T22:46:00.000-07:00

I have one of the greatest treasures this earth has to share, my friends, whom I love dearly and who have helped me so much these past few weeks. I don't know what I would do without them.

time has stopped but life goes on

2006-08-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how slowly time goes by when I'm not either at work or a friends house... in other words, being home is rather boring... I went to G. I. Joe's earlier with my brother just so I could get out of the house, and ended up spending a lot of money at Kohl's which is next door... bad bad bad. Spent many hours trying to fix stuff on my computer both yesterday and today, got a few things fixed, but have yet to figure out how to get another thing working again... I give up for now...

finally

2006-08-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

I'm finally beginning to be able to piece things out and put them together again... Almost have all of my school stuff taken care of, just got to work on my major and that wrong grade. I totally just signed up for a swing dancing class - that is going to be awesome :) Also am working on getting my living situation figured out... oh what fun... Still trying to get back into the system at work since the oh-so-lovely corporation accidentally dropped me out of their system... I inwardly am finding peace with myself and life is going pretty well; except for at home, where I feel as if my whole family is constantly angry with me and I can't do anything right. I did bring champagne home tonight... the parents weren't too happy with that, but meh, oh well, what's done is done, and damn, it tastes good :)

upside down and inside out

2006-08-13T23:43:00.000-07:00

My life has done a complete turn around. I am not who I used to be. My parents now know this. It must have been so hard for them to hear, but I can't hold in everything forever. I feel as if my world is caving in on me though; there are people upset because of the way I'm living, and that not only hurts them, but it hurts me to see them upset. I have a constant battle going on between what different people are telling me. I have liked life lately, but what do I really want? I just want to finally be happy with life, and I think I'm getting there, but then again, how do I really know? I am so lost...

...and so begins my freedom

2006-07-25T14:41:00.000-07:00

I have the house to myself for the next two and a half weeks... Fun, yes... but, I don't have the van cause it's at the shop, and I'm scared of driving the truck unless I really need to, so at the moment, I'm stuck here until I finally get ahold of someone.

I'm really really bored...

2006-07-23T01:29:00.000-07:00

The past two days have been utterly stressful and frustrating: yesterday was spent in Corvallis registering for classes and whatnot (which turned into a huge mess, my major has changed again, therefore I'm waiting to get into a class now), not awake enough to go into full detail right now about what happened all day long, it was just a very long day; then there was today, or now yesterday seeing as it's after one in the morning now... in which work was crazy (we had a wedding reception today), and then on my way home, something in my car all of the sudden decided to give out (car was hard to drive, accelerator wasn't helping, hard to explain while I'm half asleep), leaving me pretty much stranded out in the middle of no where, thank God Mary turned around. My parents came out, my dad was able to drive the car to an auto place, and now I get to take driving lessons in the truck so that my family can still go on their trip. I have sworn up and down that I would never drive the truck, and now, here I am, offering to drive it so they can still go on their trip. Ugh... Today is my dad's birthday (today being now) and the plan was to get up early, travel three hours somewhere, hike three miles into some place, and fish. My mom and I are no longer going (cuz one, she hurt her food and needs to give it a rest, and two, I get driving lessons), so I get to sleep in, woohoo. I'm just very stressed out at the moment. All these things keep happening lately and I'm freaking out. Family leaves in two days, then I think I can finally relax. Oh, and another thing that disappoints me... I don't get my birthday off of work. I want to cry.

Conversations...

2006-07-20T22:38:00.000-07:00

So lately, I've had just about any type of random conversation possible, it's been awesome.

Work is full of conversations of gossip, sex, and beer. Those were quite interesting conversations I must say... especially when your supervisor is putting in her own input... OMG, haha, god that was weird... but funny. I think that conversation sprung from a little 'event' that took place at work one night... I wasn't working on that side tho, so I only heard about the action (fights)... so funny, and yet, so terrible... poor people at their wedding... Then there are the gossip conversations where someone is ragging on someone else... It's amazing how many people hate, hmm strong word, dislike... not strong enough, other workers there. No one really cares for one of the supervisor's. Her freaking out doesn't help the rest of us, so I agree with everyone else for the most part. Then there are the individual people, some just can't stand the others who work there. It's quite funny really.

Anywho, conversations with Alicia lately have been philosophical, random, deep, just anything really. Today, she, Renee, and I were talking about having to pee in Mexico, it was so funny and yet so random. Or how about the conversation of practicing putting a needle in each other's butt's and then getting aids... and the fact that none of us have aids sent us to another conversation about that topic and how Alicia thinks clamidia (sp?) would be the best cuz it has the nicest sounding name out of the long list... Our goal in life is to never have to stick a needle in each other's butts... or something to that effect... haha. Or was it to not get aids? Probably both... And then there was our talk of tattoo's which made me more eager to go get mine... And then on our way back to Alicia's... she had to pee, so she began to sing a song saying she had to pee, then added Renee into it, then me into it, so... in the end "we all have to go pee pee" was chanted/sung while getting into the car... haha, I love it!

Few nights ago Alicia and I had a more serious conversation about religion in general and going deeper into it. It was interesting. Those deep conversations can be so meaningful and open up new ideas for a person. And we began questioning things, such as what's really considered right vs. wrong and stuff like that. It's interesting thinking beyond what you have always grown up to believe... it really is...

Overall, conversations lately has just been pretty entertaining... hehe

2006-07-18T23:45:00.000-07:00

I had a very good long talk with Alicia tonight. And boy did I need it. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who is very lost right now. I don't even know who I am anymore, and it's scary. I have so many things going on in my life right now that I'm near exploding and it was good to just talk some of it out with her. I live a two person life, and it's very very difficult to maintain. I know the one side that I must constantly play out in daily life, but have yet to discover who the real me is when I'm away from the consistency of living that constant/and yet so different life. This probably doesn't make sense, and from lack of sleep, drained emotions, and tears, I should probably end this here before I don't make any sense whatsoever. I've always liked change, but now, I'm scared.

I have a need to write...

2006-07-13T23:13:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to go insane... and have been realizing how nice it would be to be living on my own. Heck, I already knew how nice it was from this past year, sort of (wasn't 'on my own' but close enough). I have seriously been trying to think about what to do for next summer, and since I plan on working elsewhere, I may run into some problems.

My plan is to get a job through this one program at the zoo. So I would need to be commuting out there every day. Easy thing to do would be just to get an apartment some where near there, but... it'd only be for a few months, and I lack money. It'd be easier if I just stayed at PSU, then I could just live elsewhere permanently, but PSU is not my calling, and I'm not going back. I could stay down in Corvallis next summer if I found a job and a few people to room with, but that only works if I have found a good job for the summer. And... it'd put a damper on the social life with current friends (distance wise).

Damn I wish I had the money to live on my own. Now if I could do what I really want, then I'd be such a happy girl. What I really want is to move far away for a bit and just get away from everything, but that's not happening any time soon. I just wish I could figure out next summer, I can't just keep coming back home, I need to get out on my own.

I live a completely different lifestyle (or at least try to live) than the rest of my family, and it's just driving me insane at the moment. I feel like I'm being hounded for things when all I want is to live the way I want to. My parents still expect certain things from me, and it's hard, because, I'm just not that way. But they don't know that, and so, ugh... I'm just going to drop it. Keep it bottled up; I'm good at that.

Anywho, I still haven't finished my room. The goal is to have the last coat of paint on tomorrow, and move back into my room Saturday morning. That would make me feel a little bit better, I can have my own privacy back at least. I have been going from one thing to the next for the past week or so. I can't wait for Sunday - it will be a day off from both jobs, and I can finally just spend some time to myself, or with friends, I hope. I should sleep, I've lost so much sleep I can't even think straight...

crazy

2006-07-12T23:56:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been insane...

I've been up since 4:30 this morning cause I had to be at work at 6...

Work both jobs tomorrow, another long day...

Got three coats of primer on my walls finally, almost done...

I can't wait to move all my stuff back in!

'the stars that pierce the sky'

2006-07-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

I just decided I like that phrase...

First thing I saw when going out onto my deck tonight and looking to the skies was a shooting star, good timing? Hell yah, it was awesome :)

I heard my song for the first time in forever today. I had forgotten I even had a song, it had been that long...

can't keep up...

2006-07-07T21:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this week has been insane... It was going to be extremely boring cause I didn't have work at all, then a second job popped up into my life, so now that takes up some of my time. I've been going pretty much non stop with stuff since Monday even though I didn't have work at Pumpkin Ridge... figures; and I thought I was going to be bored, ha! And now all I want is a night to myself where I can sleep and actually sleep in during the morning (cause I've had to either get up early because of helping with homeschooling, or errands, or my new job). I was gonna be able to do that tomorrow (sleep in), but uh oh - surprise wedding at pumpkin ridge tomorrow, must work... 11-8, long day. I'll sort of get to sleep in I guess... Sunday, finally a day off! But... have to go to Church; perhaps my parents will let me stay home so I can sleep?

And then to top it off, my stomach has been sick for the past week. I have probably eaten the equivalency of one, maybe two, day's worth of food (three meals + extras) in the past five days. Not healthy whatsoever.

On a random good topic, my new 'job' - taking Robin and Joey out places, or just hanging out with them - has been awesome. Yesterday I took em' to see a movie; today I took Joe swimming (hadn't been in that pool for years) at the aquatic center and then later took both of them out for ice cream. And what is also awesome, they like hard rock music! I couldn't believe it; so now they have me listening to even more awesome bands that I probably never would have heard of if not for them. Thank God for KUFO, hehe!

Last night was rather stressful, and I am a little peeved, but working on it... Actually, before that incident, the party I went to was fun! It was awesome to see everyone from high school, though, very very awkward. It wasn't even a group I really hung out with much, but Alicia and Sara were there, so it was all good. OMG, it was so good to see Sara!!!! Ever since that whole incident with Pat and Sara, there has still been a riff between Sara and Mary, which caused me to see less of Sara, but last night we were reunited! I love that girl and miss our long afternoons of watching the good ol' shows - boy meets world, family matters, full house...

I really wanted to paint my room tomorrow, but that wont be happening any more... I'll pack up my junk tonight, or at least get started on it...

Fourth of July was much better than last years. I actually got to see fireworks this time, and they were the big ones too. We did fireworks at the party last night as well; the guys were being stupid though, as usual. Anywho, the waterfront had a nice display, and it was good to hang out with ol' friends. Seemed like old times, and then again, it didn't, kinda hard to explain. Overall, I had a blast, it was good to get away from home.

I need to go to Portland to pick up a test and send off a transcript. Oh yippee... Maybe I can just figure it out online and just forget the test?

I just really needed to type (vent)... I better pack now...

My Cucumber

2006-07-03T02:43:00.000-07:00

Elyse visited a few days ago! My little Cucumber remembered that I was Mayonnaise too! I was so excited when I saw her and heard her say that. She has come such a long ways since the accident, and her memory has improved so much! I didn't get to talk with her long because of work, but at least I got to see her. It really had made my day, and really, my week.

finally a time to relax

2006-07-03T01:54:00.000-07:00

No work for one week, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, besides paint my room...

The DJ at today's wedding was so awesome. I do believe that was the best music I have ever heard performed (um played?) by a DJ. Even beat school dances! It was awesome. I wanted to join right in on the dancing, as always.

Beach trip with Mary and Stacy on Friday was fun. Got burned... went up to my rock! Which was scary coming back down... but we all lived.

I'm bored out of my mind... and playing computer games is getting old pretty quick...

If I could capture a moment in time...

2006-06-26T02:19:00.000-07:00

If there was one moment that I could just pause, capture, hold for all time, it would be when I walked into my house coming home from work today. My family (parents and all siblings) was sitting around the tv watching a movie, laughing and just, being what a family should be. I miss those days, and the world just seemed to stop during that beautiful moment when everyone was together, happy, laughing. I captured that moment in my heart and will carry it always. It truly made me happy.

'Like a doggie on a dashboard'

2006-06-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

The word 'dashboard' in the home page of blogger reminded me of that...

Anywho, saw The Lakehouse with Beck today, twas a good movie, reminded me of the movie Sliding Doors.

My mom and I traveled to Washington yesterday for Sara's wedding. It was so beautiful; she was beautiful. It was at her house (in Kingston), which was on a river front, hard to explain, but it was all just so beautiful. And Sara and Michael, I can't even begin to express how happy they were. They were just blooming with joy; and what's amazing about it all was that they were completely focusing everything, every little aspect about their marriage, in God. I think that is what made them seem so happy, an unexplainable joy. It was so cute to see the two of them just... I don't even have words for it, it was simply beautiful. Sometimes I wish I lived closer to Sara; she was truly a great and wonderful influence in my life (not only last summer but even when messaging back and forth with her). Michael is truly a lucky guy; it was nice to get to know him a bit last summer too.

I'm listening to Josh Groban, which I listened to a lot last summer at the conference center. I think I've just been flooded with memories lately. A year ago today was when I moved there. Janine and Molly and um... can't remember her name, were also there at the wedding last night. Visiting Tiffany and Dawn and Renee and Stela and a few more at the conference center a few weekends ago also has brought back so many memories. It's true, you really do appreciate things more once they are gone. *sigh* Why doesn't life ever make sense when you are living it, but then falls together down the road?

Adri and Steven's wedding reception was also one of unexplainable happiness. Though I wasn't there at the wedding, I'm sure it was just like Sara and Michael's. It's such a beautiful thing. Just leave it in God's hands and He will take care of everything. Yes, I believe that gives reason for people to be unexplainably happy. :)

Two weddings in a little over a month... man, you are all making me feel old already... ;)

I'M DONE!

2006-06-14T22:44:00.000-07:00

*whew* one year of school out of the way... lots more to go... but it's summer now, so I wont think about that...

Tried sushi for the first time today ~ never trying it again... it was rather entertaining watching my siblings all try it too... best faces ever, even my brother, the fish eater of the family, had a hard time getting it down... Clarissa likes it, and Miranda thought it was ok... Leah, ohh poor Leah... I couldn't even down it...

I am so nervous right now... I want to know my scores... but then again... I don't...

George may you rest in peace

2006-06-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling where you just feel sick to your stomach, like you know something isn't right in life? In my case, I just don't know what it is. Something is nagging at me, and I'm just lost as to what it is.

George passed away on Friday. Friday was going to be a happy day, and it was an excellent day up until he left me. I moved home on Friday. One can not understand how happy it has made me to be moved back home. I am unexplainably happy in that sense (it's been almost a year). And then Friday got depressing because George died. I would have had him for two years in August. I may be pathetic for caring about a fish, but hey, he never talked back to me, though he did bite me once... he was always there for me to tell my problems to. Though, I'll admit, he was a boring date for the past two Valentines days... I buried him yesterday up by the shed. Kind of sad when you lose your first actual pet. He had been through a lot, moved a lot (home, beach, home, beach, home, beach, home, portland... you get the picture) had a flaring fight with Atorie, lost part of his fin for what reason I don't know. Gah, George, I miss you.

Thank God this school year is almost over. Two more finals and a paper to turn in and I'm done. I really don't have any words for this year. Only that it was a hard time in my life where I learned a lot. I can't wait for this next school year, I'm tired of this lonely feeling. I think I may have lost a few good friends this year due to life, which hurts, but like I said, that's why I'm looking forward to next year. Who knows what life shall bring...

On to finishing my paper about why America is so stupid...

2006-06-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

Lost

By me

Life feels like a repeated cycle,
Always stuck in an endless maze,
Or going around in circles,
Not able to see anything beyond the haze.

Is there a correct direction,
One that leads to something new,
Or is life at a constant stand still,
With nothing around to break the glue.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m even going,
For every place has already been crossed,
The only thing I can be sure of,
Is that I am always wandering, always lost.

H - E - Double Hockey Sticks

2006-06-06T19:04:00.000-07:00

Good title for today (6/6/06)...

That's what these past few weeks have been...

I almost suffocated myself in my sleep again... not so gut... I literally couldn't move upon waking myself up too...

Went to Cannon Beach on Sat. and visited with ol' friends, and saw my ol' boss, who was trying to get me to come back again... it was a good day overall, I really needed it! I need to go back again soon. Kaitlin was moving back there the day after I went... figures... OH and I finally got something I have been wanting for years, yay! I didn't, however, get to visit my rock... next time tho!

Three days! And then I will be moved back home! awww, home, I can't wait!

2006-05-31T16:20:00.000-07:00

I have a huge craving for Chinese food right now... I think I'll have to go to Safeway later...

Start packing my things tomorrow night... they need to be ready for pick up on Sunday... (there won't be time on Fri for me to bring them home, I basically need to run out of the building right after class gets out Fri in order to get picked up so I can get to work on time)

Work each day this weekend, I'm really looking forward to being at work at 6:30 in the morning both Sat and Sun... Hopefully Fri night doesn't take too long... ugh... But at least I get Sat and Sun evenings off, that's the first...

In love with the new Hoobastank cd!

Alicia, I need you! Hurry up and come back from Mexico... no, really just have the time of your life girl!

Stupid OSU hasn't accepted me yet... therefore I can't apply for housing... therefore I'm getting nervous... oh and I probably won't be able to bring Lateda with me, which is sad. My dad keeps joking around saying he will "take care of her" or rather, the dogs will... he's so mean!

Playing with fire...

2006-05-29T23:52:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you have heard of that expression before... It's kind of where I'm at right now... guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens... this could put me into another episode of last week... or maybe it will just be brushed under the carpet as it seems to always ends up, which bugs the hell out of me...

Gah, I really do use "..." a lot!

Taking the OLCC class tomorrow, can't wait to sit in a 4 and a half hour long class... (there I go again), hopefully it's easy to pass. And then I can legally serve alcohol, woohoo!

Two Friday's from now I get to move home! Yes!

Stupid login to OSU's housing still isn't working... I've decided to live in a co-op next year (yah, I know, I was anti co-op at one point, meh, life changes, people change). I'm anxious to meet new people, and then Beck will be at the school too!

I was going to visit people at Cannon Beach this weekend, but I just found out today that I'm working on the day I thought I had off. Oh goody, another three day weekend... My guess is that since Derek got fired, they needed another person for Saturday. I'll call and see what's up tomorrow, maybe I can still get the day off afterall, I dunno.

Ok, need to pack up my stuff and finish these article summaries, then read, then... zzz

So...

2006-05-26T23:54:00.000-07:00

It seems that every time I resort to watching a movie at home because of boredom, it's a cartoon kid movie. Nothing wrong with that tho, I get a kick out of em'. Tonight was Monsters Inc. to be continued tomorrow since I can't keep my eyes open much longer.

I cannot wait for this term to be OVER. I'm tired of this roller coaster of hell... to put it bluntly. Meh, whatev, only two and a half more weeks. I will survive, hey hey.

This term has actually seemed the best so far. Better grades it seems. But really, I think it has to do with the fact that I don't have that stupid system earth class anymore. That was just so dumb... and then finding out I never even had to take it... ugh...

So what's with this weather lately? I finally get a weekend off and it's raining... *sigh* oh well... what's meant to be is meant to be (or is it what's not meant to be... and so on, I guess it works both ways).

Part of me is still drained from this past week. Things aren't ever going to be back to 'normal' if there is such a thing. And then to top it off, I have changed my mind on something dealing with next year, this may not go over too well with a few other people. But hey, you know what? I don't flipping care. It's my life, and I can do what I want. I'm tired of arguing with people. I'll be happy to go to OSU though, it will be a nice change from the city (which no offense to anyone, but I don't care for it). This is difficult... the one person whom I can talk to when I'm going through hell is in Mexico... with limited access to IM... for another 4-5 weeks. Ugh, it sucks when you don't have anyone else to talk to... (because it's the other immediate people in your life who are causing the problems...) oh well, life goes on!

I get to see X-Men 3 tomorrow! I'm excited 'bout that. It's nice to be home. I still can't believe I've been home every weekend since Christmas Break. It can have its rough spots... like today. Parents were fighting about dogs... I just listened from my room and laughed... Oh and speaking of my room, it's sort of back together and I'm already planning out my painting scheme. Need to find a nice light blue color... that will go with the icky pink blinds (I hate girl colors). I started another poem tonight... not sure where I'm going to go with it yet...

Bla, OMG, two weekends from now I can move my stuff home! I'm so excited!

If...

2006-05-25T15:44:00.000-07:00

If I were to write a soap opera series based off my life, I could make millions...

I am so drained out...

Yo necessito una siesta, zzz...

p.s. I hate drama!

a weekend to remember

2006-05-22T16:33:00.000-07:00

As life passes you by, one hardly seems to have time to look back and reflect on what has happened. Mary told me last night that I needed to blog about stuff and I already had it in mind to, so here it goes:

Let's begin with Friday: Mary and I worked that night. Twas a fairly easy night, the event was for only thirty something people and a little over twenty showed up. Easy, easy. Derek ran the bar that night while Ryan was busy bringing chairs/tables/etc. up onto the deck, so as to get stuff ready for the wedding the next day that was taking place (a wedding with an expected over 200 guests - due to other previous engagements, Mary and I were unable to work this day, oh how sad... it must have been a hellish long day... suckers, haha). Thankfully Friday night all we had to do was clean up after the event, clear the room, and that was it. No set up, twas awesome.

Saturday morning: due to the carpenter ants that had taken over my closet and room, I had slept on the couch at home cuz my bed was completely covered with the stuff that had been in my closet (as long as my floor... didn't purposely cover up the bed...). And my family was all gone in Portland for something, no alarm clock... slept in... oops, but... I still managed to get ready in time before Danie came to pick me up for Steven and Adri's reception. Danie got to my house, we left, and were off to the reception.

The reception was so cute! I still find it weird to have friends that are married already, but it's a good weird. Makes me feel old though, Danie and I were remarking about how we should have brought canes with us haha. Steven and Adri looked so adorable (Mr. Sophisticated and Mrs. Beautiful since they were all gussied up). I wish the two of them the best of luck with everything. The cake was so freakin' cool, I swear it was plastic boxes! The house was gorgeous, the area reminded me of my place (Gaston, definately not Portland), out in the middle of now where, which equals beautiful! Hehe. It was good to see everyone too, hadn't seen Mel in forever, heck I hadn't seen any of them in forever. Overall, it was a beautiful, cute, adorable, um, maybe I should use some manly words... sophisticated?, um... they had an x-box that the boys were going ga ga over... wedding things aren't exactly 'manly' are they... wedding reception.

Danie and I had to leave early cuz she had parties to go to and I had a dance that I had to get back to Portland for. So off we went, I got home, packed, ate some more catered food (there was lots of it at the reception, good stuff! and I had brought catered food home from the night before from work), and left. Got back to Portland and then Mary and I got 'gussied up' for the dance (wasn't that big of one, spring thing, so didn't have to go full out, thank God). Dance was pretty good, kind of lacked people, but it was ok. Needed a better DJ, but we lived. I can't believe they didn't have Cotton Eye Joe! But it's ok, cuz I played it when I got back to the dorm and danced to it then. Mary and I were such in a dancing mood after the dance we just rocked out in our room for a while after it was over. Then headed to Safeway at one point and probably looked like were on drugs to those walking around (this is probably at like 11 pm maybe). We were dancing on the way there, linked arms, skipping, singing, you name it... having a hell of a good time. Safeway. Doughnuts. Yum!

Sunday: Mary had gone home in the morning for the day, while I stayed behind to work on some things. Slept in till noon, man I love doing that! Skipping ahead till when Mary got back because my day was rather boring 'cept for watching the lightning and talking to Chris (and this could get confusing for Mary since we know so many freakin' Chris', this is my baseball playing friend Chris who lives in Chicago, but currently Boston; to a reader of this besides Mary and Me, it wouldn't matter...) Anywho, so Mary got back and after a while wanted to go on a walk. So we took off to go see our fountains and I suggested walking down to the waterfront since I had had yet to do that all year long so far. So we get down there and the weather was alright at the time... sort of sprinkling, nothing to bother with. Eventually we found ourselves out on a dock just talking and watching the sky - lighting is so awesome, we saw so many strikes! Also to note, which will come in later, just beyond us were three guys and a girl hanging out and talking. At one point I turned, looked into the distance and saw that a sheet of rain was pretty much headed our way. Time to go... so as we start walking back, still on the dock, all of the sudden we begin getting pelted with hail, and the rain is coming, beginning to hit harder. We keep walking, then heard this voice calling out from behind "hey, you want to come in out of the rain?" - it was a man in his boat on the side of the dock. The other four who had been hanging out just beyond Mary and I went ahead and said "sure", by this time, it was pouring, and Mary and I followed, getting out of the rain. So there we were, all of seven of us hanging out in this boat for maybe twenty minutes. The group of four had all lived in Russia at one time and so they were speaking Russian and English, it was kind of cool to listen to them. So we were all talking till the rain stopped, and then parted our ways. I must say storms are pretty awesome, it was cool watching it all from the boat. If not for that man, we would have all been drenched... but... Mary and I pretty much ended up drenched up to our knees afterwards anyways cuz we decided to keep on walking around.

Eventually we headed back to our dorm, after having went back to our fountains once again (we had ended up down at the opposite end of the water front before that too). Along the way I began singing Hakuna matata out of no where, Mary joined me. So there we were, singing this Disney song, belting it out, we finished and all of the sudden we hear these guys behind us on the other side of the street laughing their heads off. It was awesome. Thankfully it was dark... haha. Got back to the dorm, it was around 10 pm, night was still young...

Sidenote, when mentioning going swimming in one of the fountains in an earlier blog (in which it was a week ago today that we did this), I left out an important detail which is key to the rest of the night... Some guy (oh Mary's gonna like that discription...) asked Mary for her number, so they have been hanging out this past week and whatnot. She had already been planning on hanging out with him Sunday night (errr... yah, last night), so she was getting ready for that when he sent her a text saying he had a friend along so if I wanted to come... So Mary and I both went down there... We all hung out for a while, walked up and down the waterfront (all of where Mary and I had been earlier), then walked back to their apartments... ok, now this is down beyond pioneer square, beyond the train station, wayyy down there. It's like two in the morning, and I dont mean to be mean and terrible (tho I am) I was bored (and these guys aren't really the type I have ever hung out with... can't really say I have hung out with that type of people before, so this was a very interesting first for me, lots of language about weird movies and books), and I needed my sleep so I could stay awake and work on things today and tomorrow (should be doing that now, but i'm taking a break). Mary was mothering me and getting worried about me going back by myself, especially since I had no idea where the heck I was.

Ok, so this is me typing four days later cuz I got interrupted that day and never finished... to finish this story off... I walked back to my dorm late at night (1-2 ish and it was like 20 something blocks) by myself, it was scary... was locked out of the building till a good samaritan let me in, went to my room, went to bed, mary came back at five in the morning, called my phone since she was locked out of our room, I let her in, went back to bed, end of story (I'm too lazy to really put thought into this) end of post...

Chocoholism anyone? Wanna join my cult? hehe

2006-05-17T17:11:00.000-07:00

My mom is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I went home yesterday just to hang out, and for a few other things... It was good to see her and talk :) My day was pretty awesome, 'cept for the discovered carpenter ants that have decided to take over my closet, so my things are now all sitting on my bed and floor... Hope to get rid of them soon! Hello couch! Oh, and I might get to paint my room! NO more 80's wallpaper, woohoo!

A few nights ago, so awesome, Mary and I went and played in one of the fountains around here past 10:30 at night. So fun! It was so freakin' warm out that night, so walking back in our swim suits wasn't a prob whatsoever, we were dry by the time we got back, which was, midnight maybe? The water wasn't too bad either... And then there were all of the random people, which made for quite an entertaining night!

Right now I'm working on creating my own religion for my sociology project. I love it so far; Chocolatism is my religion (probably a common one, but this is fun, I mean, chocolate eating contests in order to become a leader, how many can possibly think of that?), and I'm making a flyer for it. I love messing with computer graphics and pics and whatnot, so this is pretty cool. And yah, it's sorta like making your own cult... join me?

Bla, this heat is getting to me, I think it's time for a walk...

please just let me out...

2006-05-09T17:52:00.000-07:00

I've been good, I haven't run off with the car yet, I haven't booked a flight randomly (although there have been many times when it has crossed my mind), I haven't taken a bus up to washington for a day. I've been stuck in this state for more than a year and I'm beginning to go insane. (I don't mean to complain or sound like a snob, but I'm used to traveling around a wee bit, expanding my horizons...)

I didn't get to go on any camping trips last summer, no vacation, if you consider living at the beach a vacation... psshh, not in the way I was living it. I just want to get out for a little bit, a few days where I don't have to worry about everything else, a few days where I'm not living this repeated cycle of school/work that has captured my life this past year. I need out for just a little bit. Just need to keep telling myself it's only five more weeks... and then it's work work work. I hope there is at least one week where I can just go, I need to go. Cali, Washington, I don't care.

Bla, anywho, my mom comes back next monday, I'm so excited! I'll have to wait till the next weekend to see her; it will have been almost a month, can't believe how fast time flies! So my mom comes back on monday, while alicia takes off on monday for mexico for six weeks. Can we say jealous??? AND I'm going to miss her like hell. Who is going to be there with me when I go to see mr. starbucks?!? I mean... get stuff at starbucks... And she wont have IM... it's a tough life.

PCC still hasn't sent my transcript over to OSU, I'm kind of getting worried... I don't think I'll have a problem with getting accepted... And I still haven't made up my mind about what I'm going to do... need my mom here so I can talk to her, I need her guidance on this. It's tough when people change on you, then you have to evaluate your own plans and life. Hmm...

There is no where to go in ptown, I swear. Besides the two fountains and the park blocks, I feel trapped into the small quarters of my dorm room. My fountain is finally working! I scared the hell out of mary last night... I had gone for a walk late at night when I shouldn't have and then I called her from the fountain to tell her it was finally on and she couldn't understand my excited yelling into the phone and thought I was in trouble... twas funny.

I can't wait for this weekend to be over... work all three days, over 23 hours - not fun, maybe I can just not go to classes on monday so I can get more sleep, do more homework, and go with mi familia to pick up my mom at the airport... hmm... or maybe they can pick me up on their way? hmm...

I am so tired of this repeated cycle. I need a change. Random and off topic, I like The Used and this particular song All That I've Got... Lately I've been falling in love with the most random groups - I love it! I think this music is what is getting me through each day till summer. *sigh* this writing has helped, I went for a walk earlier, got some of my reading done by my fountain (which is beautiful, I even took pic's) and tried to relieve some of this mess that is building up within me yet again.

Atorie doesn't like me very much I have decided... and George, well, he's never really liked me... but I love him to death anyways! Lateda loves to annoy me, but she's cute, so it's ok. Ok, this The Used song is weird... mmm Goo Goo Dolls! Where do people come up with these names anyways?

Oh, I started making up my own little song on the piano the other night, it's difficult for me to actually play it, but hopefully some day I can master not having to think of what both hands are playing at the same time... Anywho... Chris got a new motorcycle, it's freakin' sweet. Beautiful blue color. Jeremiah showed me a pic of it, I'm so jealous! Gonna have to get me one of them... with the blue color of course! That kid... goes through so many cars and motorcycles, it's ridiculous.

Went and saw MI3 with Weston and Jeremiah last weekend. It was pretty good. I haven't seen the first two movies and I'm afraid I kind of spoiled it for myself if I were to now. I can't wait for X-Men 3 to come out! May 26th baby, I've been waiting...

Work is going ok so far. I think it's funny that I have a conversation with Rick (guy I worked with last summer) going through Ryan (guy I work with now). Ryan got a kick out of the last thing I told him to tell Rick. Rick's probably gonna reply with a "shut up" next time, haha, or just roll his eyes at me and tell me to grow up. I was so worried that Ryan (the other one that works there) would be upset with how Derek and I left the chairs that one night, but it wasn't our fault all the cages were locked... Derek went in the next morning to fix it anyways and as far as I know all went ok, so *whew* that was a relief when Ryan didn't yell at me on Friday... I think Derek has forever left me scarred with now that everytime I hear Shakira's "hips don't lie" I'll think of the dancing in the kitchen haha, good times good times. I mean, how could you not dance to that music... plus with having taken the class and all... It's so helpful when music is being played during work, makes you more upbeat and ready to tackle anything...

I drove a golf cart finally! It was like twenty feet... but hey! I drove one... I'm scared to drive the flatbed what with mary's driving and crashing and all... haha, but I guess I shouldn't be talking... mmm Taking Back Sunday, good stuff. I like writing... but I shall stop, need to get back to my work. Oh yeah... homework... yeehaw...

Ludicrous

2006-05-06T00:15:00.000-07:00

I like that word... hehe, anywho, to my point:

I've worked six days with this job so far and have made probably over half of what I made all of last summer at the conference center, how ludicrous is that? But pretty awesome I must say...

I'm so dead too... and covered in awesome looking bruises! So tired... zzz hence why i'm going to sleep now...

Oh and this past week with working and all... has totally been setting me back in school - not gut!

Stress

2006-05-01T16:20:00.000-07:00

Weekends... aren't they supposed to be relaxing? Yah, that's what I thought...

I wanted to kill Jeremiah Friday night... He could have gotten us all killed with the directions he was giving me... OMG, argh!

And then I was driving around another parent, and this is coming from a girl who doesn't like driving around other people besides family and close friends - it makes me nervous! And to top it off, she was leading the way, cause she wanted to avoid traffic, I just wanted to go the way I knew... it would have made me felt a whole lot better, but no... we just couldn't... and then she is playing "mom" while mine is gone... which is a whole other story I wont go into... and I think she was ticked at my decision... but meh, I could care less.

Saturday was fairly nice...

Sunday I worked, which wasn't bad, and the night only got stressful after that... all having to do with my stupid fish - George and Atorie... I never realized just how huge George is for a betta. Atorie is a wee shrimp compared to him. Their flaring war made them look like little kids, it was kind of funny but then annoying at the same time. And now George is back in his tank, with more room and he probably still hates me for all the chaos before... And now Atorie just sits on my desk, probably angry at me as well... Lateda still loves me though! I hope...

Got to talk to my mom yesterday! She seems to be enjoying it down there. She went and visited an alligator farm the other day, so not fair! I miss her!

I work three times this week, which should be interesting seeing as how I wasn't supposed to be working during the week at all till summer... Saturday's dance got moved till the 20th...

I got Mary Labour (another betta) for her bday (she got to pick him out of course), she seems to like him a lot, which is gut. So many pretty fish in one room, and a hamster, yep yep, a petting zoo... 'cept for the petting part...

Bla, I wish my mom was here in Oregon... I need to talk to her, and yah, I know there is always the phone... but still, just one of those things you know... I know she's enjoying her time down there, which is really good. Life is just hard...

2006-04-27T16:01:00.000-07:00

My mom left for Louisiana today, I am going to miss her like crazy! But she needs this, it will be good for her.

I am lovin' this sun so much!

I can't believe it's been four weeks already, crazy! Almost half way through this term... and then... SUMMER!!! I can't wait for the fairs... and the beach... and the lake... gah, I better stop...

Tonight Sara, Mary and I are going to watch Tristan and Isolde, me equals excited! It's been awesome lately, found another fountain to hang out at, and now I have Sara to hang out with too!

Tomorrow I am adopting another beta... I'm excited about that too, pretty soon I'll just be able to open up a zoo...

ARGH

2006-04-24T22:53:00.000-07:00

The stupid ATM ate my card today!

Tonight has been rather entertaining though, I must say... and we totally got ourselves in trouble, caught! OOPS! hehe

never again!

2006-04-23T00:32:00.000-07:00

That's it, I have just about had it... My sister's aren't allowed to touch my computer anymore. While relaxing and watching a movie, Miranda comes to inform me that something popped up on my screen while she was doing stuff on my computer - she had managed to put a trojan on my computer. OH and it gets even better, I ran a scan for my computer, 8 more trojans (which had apparently been there for about a week, or maybe even more) came up. And further more, I'm not sure if I have gotten rid of the one that came up tonight or not. I couldn't find it through the filepath, I brought the hidden files up, I'm hoping it was linked to another one I deleted. I'll run the scan again tonight, but this freakin' annoys me. I don't need my computer screwed up again. I am not even really sure if it's safe to be signed in on the internet or not, but so far, so good. I am becoming to hate computers more and more, honestly. We had to call my dad, who is out of town, then my mom called her uncle, cause apparently he is good with computers, and bla, I don't care any more tonight, I'm about ready to chuck this thing out the window, like always...

On a good note, I love the new Pride and Prejudice movie, and, as always, still love Mr. Darcy's character. What girl doesn't?

my first bow tie...

2006-04-21T22:35:00.000-07:00

Today I bought my very own and very first bow tie... and hopefully my last! haha, it's for work... it was funny too, cuz as I was leaving the building, the guy at the checkout (and this is inside Men's Wearhouse mind you) was like, "enjoy", and as I was walking outside, I turned to my mom and said "how on earth am I supposed to enjoy this?" and just laughed... what a nut!

Last night was awesome. I haven't had that good of a night in such a long time! Sara and I escaped both of our buildings full of pot and went for a walk, then we hung out in my room, then mary finally came back, then the three of us had our little "adventure", then went to subway, then to sara's, and yah, good night!

Whoa! This thing has bullets!

never even noticed this

or this...

I am so lame... can we tell that the nighttime drugs are kicking in? Oh, and I so need to kick jeremiah for getting my dad sick who got me sick... grrrrrr

4/20

2006-04-20T14:10:00.000-07:00

4-20, the day in which America gets even stupider!

Sickness Sucks

2006-04-18T16:10:00.000-07:00

Worked about 19 hours out of a time period of 26 hours... felt so dead afterwards, and now I'm sick. How fun! ... ... ...

Work was kinda fun, I like the busyness of it. Saturday night reminded me of high school dances, there was a frat party that night and Mary and I wanted to join in on the dancing so bad. We'd go back into the kitchen and either sing to the songs or just complain about how we couldn't go out there and dance. Their DJ was freakin' awesome, and I must admit that the music kind of helped work to go by faster. It helps to work with music playing, it really does!

Then the next day was Easter, in which the side I was working on (the private membership side) had two events going on that day... talk about not having an Easter... I just about collapsed by the end of it all... I'll get used to it once summer hits tho.

Dawn called me yesterday asking me if I wanted to come back to work at the beach next summer. Told her about my new job and she just laughed at me when I told her how tired I was from it. It was good to hear from her. OH! and ironically, this guy that I work with now is a roommate of a guy who I worked with a lot last summer. Small world, isn't it?

It's sunny outside! I love it! Something smells like it's burning... hmm... This dorm is beginning to annoy me... Someone went and ripped all the signs off the walls again last night, so we are having a floor meeting tonight cuz Rae is not happy, and I don't blame her! These girls next door were talking very loudly at three in the morning last night, I wanted to go yell at them...

Less than two months!

2006-04-10T23:15:00.000-07:00

Dancin' when the stars go blue...

I love that song...

I need to get my food handler's permit really soon, and then take a class and test in order to serve alcohol...

Got my formal wear uniform, looks pretty snazzy if I do say so myself...

2006-04-08T23:23:00.000-07:00

Lil' update on my life...

Got a job yesterday, I start next weekend...

Next year, may have a change of plans a little bit, but I'll still be going to OSU no matter what...

Today there were almost forty people at my house, about thirty of them being adults... twas very scary and intimidating... came home and parking was a problem... need more gravel and dirt for more parking space...

Benchwarmers is an interesting, yet funny, movie...

That's all...

Oh, and monday I have to go take one of those stupid drug tests... no Ibuprofen till then, how sad! hehe, and no poppy seed muffins, but, that's ok...

My insightful, yet rather blunt thought for today...

2006-04-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or do the people who make commercials seem to be running out of ideas? Let me rephrase that, do the people who make commercials seem to be running out of "good" ideas... Yesh! Honestly... Let's take the new skittles commercial for example:

A man with a rather long beard who is being interviewed is picking up skittles with the end of his beard, and placing them in his mouth. And at one point, he even sticks one in his interviewer's mouth.

Ok, that is just disturbing... (and "gross" as Mary says)

And this one I am currently watching, there are people floating in the air... a water commercial.

Those stupid kid commercials advertising for the new paint that wont rub onto the carpet have those certain tunes that get stuck in your head. Or how about the ones where people randomly break into song and start dancing. Honestly people... And Mary mentioned the Old Navy commercial with the annoying "she's my summer time girlfriend" song - she hates that song, it gets stuck in her head.

And the walgreen's commerical's music - the tune is just plain creepy!

"Silly little fairy" - the best part of that car commerical is when the guy is turned into something "cute" by the fairy.

And those STUPID burger king commericials with the freaky king guy... so retarted and disturbring!

Overall, commercials equal stupid. Solution, it's called the mute button, muahahaha

You want the truth? Life is beautiful.

2006-04-05T22:51:00.000-07:00

As Alicia and I have discussed tonight, life really isn't all that bad. We as human beings just have it naturally engraved in our brains that everything horrible that happens or something that just makes life seem miserable is what holds us back from seeing the beauty of it all. We take it all for granted, and sometimes, we often miss those good things in our lives that are there the whole time when something goes wrong. Life's funny, isn't it? I don't know what has come over me lately, I can't really explain it, but, I'm happy and content. And even though I'm always going to face rough times, something is always there to lift my spirit. Like the stars I love to gaze upon when possible.

I look at the sky and smile. I see stars and they brighten my life. For what reason, I shall never know. Why is it that we stargaze? What is it that keeps us stargazing when all we see is the same thing over and over again? Whatever it is, it has me attached. And shooting stars, those are amazing. And even if it's silly, I make a wish on every one. I can't wait for summer nights just laying out on my trampoline, gazing at those stars. I would just lie there for a while on that bench last summer every night. It's beautiful.

I often wonder why things happen the way they do, and I know it's been said, "everything happens for a reason", but I think of that as an empty statement. But maybe it's just simply this, our lives are already mapped out, we don't know what lies ahead, and maybe all those trials and hard parts of our lives that come up are supposed to show us what life is really about, and give us reasoning for our being here in the first place. Maybe those hard trials are supposed to show us what we are supposed to be happy for, even though at times it doesn't seem like it. And maybe, that's why I like looking at the stars, because with them, the world seems right, I don't have to think about anything else, just look at those stars and see life in harmony, and that is what I look forward to.

Shoutout

2006-04-04T23:13:00.000-07:00

This is a shoutout to my homies Becky and Alicia, I love you guys so much! You two are awesome, and I don't know what on earth I would do without you! Thank you for making my night so much better :)

Today was just gorgeous, wasn't it? I went out and did some recreational reading, cause I mean, come on, who honestly wants to go soak up the sun, breathe in the oh-so-lovely but still breathable portland air, and read a text book? The text book would kill it! Haha, I like my book... but someone died, it was sad :(

I think I'm gonna like my schedule this term, even tho it's kinda killer, I'll get used to it.

The simple truth about "myspace"

2006-04-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

As it has come to my attention so very many times, myspace is overall very stupid, or is not the concept of myspace, but the people with accounts themselves? Let's look at this a little bit closer:

First, titles saying "look at my pics" "my pics need more comments" "leave me comments" - hmm, attention seekers? I believe so. People, you might as well say "I want some attention" or stick a sign on your forehead that says you want to be seen by everyone - stupid. Honestly, myspace is more about exploiting yourself rather than expressing. It bothers me. Sure, I put pictures up, I have nothing against that, but it's not like I ever expect anything from them. When people are deliberately asking for comments, that completely kills the supposed 'surprise' from what others have to say. Why should I care? Well, I care because overall, people just generally annoy me to begin with, and then to see them consistently throwing themselves out there just to get some attention, wow, since when did everything about our lives (friends, attention, etc.) become depicted by a website and need the constant attetion of others? What has happened to the world beyond technology?

Second, people could easily use it to take a jab at someone else, and it's so obvious, trust me, I know... If you are going to try and hint at something, why not just come out and plain say it? Oh wait, I know, they like trying to upset the others... yah... see what they would do, how they would react. It's amazing what you can find out about people just by looking at their profile. It could completely change what you thought about someone. But then again, does myspace completely define someone? No. But it does help to define a part of who they are.

Third, titles or bulletin messages saying stuff like "well I think I'm going to bed now" - yah I'm sure everyone on your friend list really cares that you are leaving... ha, yah right. It's not like you talk to over half of them, or are talking to a majority of them right there at that moment. Ok, good for you, you go ahead on to bed, we don't care. We don't need to know every little detail about your agenda. Once again, why should I care? Well, I'm just tired of seeing the stupidity of mankind. I don't generally read bulletin posts to begin with, I think they are stupid. Take these kind of bulletins for example: some dramatic, horrifying, sad, or even cute story and then at the end, and I quote "if you don't repost this within the next five minutes, someone will come and kill you while you are sleeping" or "if you repost this within the next five minutes you will find your true love" or something bogus to that effect. We have all seen it. SO STUPID. None of that crap is true, why repost it? Harmless fun, yah, I know, but why? And the funny thing is, so many people repost those type of things. I always ended up taking those stupid end things off if I found something important enough to pass along.

Fourth, popularity contest? Yes, I think so. Some people add just about anybody just so they can up their friends list. What's the point? It's not like you talk to most of em' anyways. Hmm, whatever. The whole top 8 thing... I realized that it doesn't matter, myspace doesn't define who your friends are, you know who they are, you live your everday life with them. The top 8 shouldn't define anything. Your life beyond the computer is what defines you.

What makes people spend so much time on there? I go on occasionally, but it's basically just become a way of communicating with a few people with whom I lack email addresses for. I also like web page design, so I have spent some time messing around with layouts, but I don't feel the need to spend countless hours wasting my time. I roll my eyes at those who repost just about every bulletin they lay their eyes on, and sometimes, the stuff they post surprises me for some people. I guess I'm just happy I haven't fallen into an obsession with the stupidity of it all.

I'm not saying that myspace is completely stupid, cause yes, I have found it useful in finding people with whom I have lost contact, and I like expressing myself, and so I express without trying to exploit myself as much as possible. And no, myspace definately does not define who I am; far from it. It doesn't express who my close friends are, it doesn't explain the life I lead, only those with whom I spend time with or talk to really know who I am. Sometimes, if it weren't for living out there in the world beyond technology, you might forget who you truly are, or others don't get to know the real you. You can say anything on the computer, but the truth lies in what you live.

And the whole blogging thing on myspace, I don't like it, so I don't blog on there very often. I prefer this site, Blogger, because very few people know about it, and it's more like a personal journal/diary. I prefer not having the rest of the world see it. With myspace, anyone can sign up to get all of your posts, and unless you post them as private, well, then anyone can view it. And I know, anyone can see this one, but the amount who come across it is small, I like it that way. I don't know how to explain it besides this: if I want something to be seen, I'll put it in myspace, if I don't (and don't mind people reading this site, or those who randomly come across it) and I just want to write about whatever, I'll put it in here. And it works. I like writing about life, my thoughts, etc. in Blogger. I just don't really have a need to do that with myspace.

I could live without myspace without a doubt, but for others, it sure doesn't seem that way. What a sad world we live in. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, technology has become so intertwined in our lives; can't go back now, it would only cause turmoil. I guess all we can do is keep pressing on forward and try hard not to forget who we are, or even just living a life instead of spending countless hours wasting our time on an attention-getting, jabbing, forecasting, popularity contest site. Hats off to those who agree and have refrained from being sucked in, and joined the club of living a life!

2006-04-01T21:32:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow's Sunday... I have to go back to Portland tomorrow... this sucks...

This week sure has been a nice break.

Currently trying to figure out if I like Taking Back Sunday or not... I think I'll leave a few songs on.

People on the bus are scary, I prefer the max... actually, I'd rather just drive myself...

11 weeks, yah, I can make it...

2006-03-29T20:17:00.000-08:00

Halfway through the week already, wonderful...

First, I didn't know what to do with so much time, now, I don't have enough time... hehe

Got to see my boy today, my lil' bud Joe, I watched him while his mom was out at work. His sister Robin (my girl, hehe) is in Washington DC right now with her class, or else she would have probably been the one watching him. But... since she was gone, I got to see my Joe. Stinkin' kids, they had to go and grow up on me. Joe has gotten so tall, big ol' 9 year old that he is. He and I had a good time. Don't think I had seen my kids since before last summer, so it had been awhile, and I miss them dearly all the time... still need to see my girl, and I hear, she's finally passed me up. I guess I'll be looking up to her next time I see her, which is weird, cause last time I saw her, she was almost my height. (And I love how I refer to them as my boy and girl, cause seriously, I used to watch them all the time...)

Played shoot em' up and bang bang outside... you know, it's hard to play that sort of thing without some sort of ammunition... you can't really feel invisible bullets, or hear them... but we had fun shooting and running all over the place and "dying" anyways ;)

Oh, and "Bloodsport" is an interesting movie... SWAT was good, I liked that one...

Visiting Alicia tomorrow! *happy dance*

2006-03-28T18:46:00.000-08:00

GRRRRRRRRRRR, do you ever have something that just seems to stab you and NEVER goes away?

Bla, whatever

On a good note,
I get to see my boy tomorrow. I'm so excited!

2006-03-26T23:49:00.000-08:00

Alright, so even though today has brought on confusion and put me in a daze, I'm going to be patient and not let it bother me.

I quite enjoyed my walk today, having my cats along for company. It was good to walk around my property a bit, listen to the stream, and stare at the beauty of it all. The two bunny rabbits I saw were cute too. I needed my camera. Maybe they will be there again tomorrow.

Finished my book today. Couldn't put it down till I found out what I had been wanting to know all along. Happy ending :) Sad though, end of series... oh well, now I'm on to a series that connects off of that one, 20 years later... I hate time gaps

Here comes a new week. Oh joy...

2006-03-25T23:14:00.000-08:00

Relaxing and sleeping in has been nice

Corvallis was a good trip, didn't get into any fights with my dad (tried to avoid those subjects), found out some good information regarding the physical therapy major that I'll explain some other time, and got a chance to look at a future possible apartment

Incident at Walmart was interesting - some guy working on the ceiling accidentally knocked down one of those giant signs that hang from the ceiling and it sort of fell on my dad... my dad is ok, but he wouldn't admit to the people that it hit his elbow (it didn't fall directly on him, one of the hooks snagged his shirt, and yah, it smacked his elbow), they wouldn't let him go till they were sure he was alright

Tenseness at home was down as far as I could tell, until my dad exploded tonight - not so fun

Rented a few movies, nice to be able to relax and watch a good movie for a change

Finished a book of my own choice! That's a major plus, and I'm now reading the next one in the series

Not spending much time on my computer has been nice, in fact, it's been a few days since I've typed really and my arm is already cramping up... I just don't feel the need to go on as much, that is always a plus as well. I hate how technology has become so entangled in our lives. I wish I could prove I could live mostly without it

Three people (whether it be through someone or someone we knew) have died within this past week. Very odd, and yet, very sad

Wedding took place today, wonder how it went...

Family feud (sp?) looks like it might be brewing... not so good

About a year ago - I was in Mexico. Hard to imagine, my life changed then, and has changed so much since then. It's weird to think what life will be like a year from now, will it be better? will it be worse? all I know is that it will include much more change, and hopefully, it's a change towards better days

My mom is going to go on a trip to Louisiana and Texas to visit family for almost three weeks. Oh how I wish I could go with her, and I am going to miss her so much. It's weird, I've grown so much closer to my mom within the past year, I can pretty much tell her anything, and then I always have a listening ear when she needs to vent about home life. I just hope all goes well while she is gone, weekends at home shall be interesting

Found out about three more couples planning on getting married. Funny, I applaud them for it and am happy for them, but it just seems so far off for me, I don't even want to think about it

This next week involves me hopefully finding a summer job... My dad pretty much told me if I don't, he expects me to then go back to the beach

Alicia, you crack me up, and I'm glad we have something in common in which we can bitch about, even though that topic at hand causes us anger and hate

My dad pretty much told me last weekend that when I go to heaven, God will tell me my ways in thinking are wrong, cause of course, my dad's opinion just overrules everyone else's, and just because I think that having more of a variety of something could be beneficial, doesn't mean he needs to get angry at me for having my own opinion. I did fine with having a variety, so he has no right in telling me I'm wrong

I want to go to this one concert in June. Tickets go on sale April 1st... Kenny Chesney, Blaine Larsen, Big & Rich, Gretchen Wilson, and Dierks Bentley. That would be one of the best concerts ever. I just need to saddle up a gang to go to Seattle with me for it, that would be awesome

Had to begin taking loads of music, extra programs, games, pictures, etc. off of my computer. It's been going slow and I realized how many GB of space I had been using up... So, off comes lots of stuffs, been taking off music all day long it seems, it takes forever to transfer everything over to cd's

This blog is much longer than I had intended, I want to read my book now, what a weird post, I must say...

Guess what????

2006-03-22T22:16:00.000-08:00

I'M OFFICIALLY DONE WITH EVERYTHING!

SPRING BREAK BABY!

no more homework, no more unwanted reading, no more studying

movies! books I want to read! having fun!

time to sit back and relax...

oh, and I'm Home!!!!!!!!

*happy dance*

2006-03-22T13:31:00.001-08:00

Last night was freakin' ridiculous. First... a little before midnight, trying to sleep, and this girl persists on pounding on a door, seeming to think it would just magically open for her. I think I may have heard her say that her roommate was in the room drunk and passed out, but I'm not really sure if that was the case or not. People kept sticking their heads out the window to tell her to shut up cause they are either studying for finals or trying to sleep, so she quieted down for a few minutes to a low knock on the door and then eventually began pounding and shaking the door again. That was the first thing...

Second, around two in the morning, woke up because some girl went into hysterics and was yelling about how she didn't give a shit that she was disturbing the whole floor, she was upset because someone had woken her up (she said this at some point) or did something (cheated on her, she kept mentioning the word slut to some guy she was yelling at), and she was just completely in a raging fit, yelling at that one guy who eventually left, and then it was just her yelling at different people. And I don't mean just simple yelling, I mean it as in I would have strangled her if her voice had gotten any higher, and she was just out of control. She had no control of her temper whatsoever. Then out of her fit of anger, she went all along the hallway stripping down nametags off doors and walls. It looks so trashed out there. After she did that, our RA came out and tried to calm her down, while this girl just continued yelling about how she didn't give a fuck and that the whole dorm was shit and so forth. That was the second thing...

Third, so I had fallen back asleep from that episode at some point, then woke up at four in the morning to very loud music and the same girl yelling (this time not really in anger, but just in a yelling sort of mood about life), this time along with a few guys. The music was so loud. And the yelling was so annoying. I don't know if they eventually quieted down, or I was just able to fall back asleep with the noise... it's a bit fuzzy, and I barely got any sleep...

If I flunked my chem test this morning, I blame it on them.

Mary slept through the third episode, she wasn't here for the first thing, but she was here and awake during the second one. While both being stirred from our slumber, we agreed on how stupid the girl was and talked about how we both wanted to tape her mouth shut with duct tape.

Overall, last night was hell. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed at home tonight where only Lateda will be the one who could wake me up...

In other news: I'M DONE I'M DONE I'M DONE I'M DONE I'M DONE!!! Um... still have to send off my closing thoughts paper, but I'M DONE with finals!!!!! *happy dance* yay, spring break! time to partttaaayyyy...

2006-03-21T19:04:00.000-08:00

Studying for my last final taking place tomorrow morning - chem... I hope all that extra credit helps!

Last night... grr... I had already had a pounding headache all day long and through the night. I was having a hard time falling asleep, moving like every two minutes... and once I finally started to settle down and fade off to sleep... Mary's phone rings. Oh my gosh I wanted to kill something. It was Chris (my oh-so-favorite person...) who was freaking out, and my guess was hyperventilating (sp?) and in tears, because of a bad dream he had... For a guy, he sure is such a sissy and is always crying over the telephone when talking to Mary it seems. Not that being emotional is bad for guys... but honestly, he gets way too emotional. Sure, it was a dream... but did he honestly have to call after midnight? Anywho, so then it took me forever to fall asleep...

About the headache... they have been getting worse. Last week there were a few days where I had migraines and just felt so out of it. I'm getting rather annoyed. If they don't stop during spring break, I'm going to try and figure out what's going on, go see a doctor or something. I hope it's just stress from all this studying for finals and whatnot... I've always had headaches quite frequently, but not like those...

And I so got all five papers done at a reasonable time yesterday! I just have to finish this closing thoughts paper I just started a bit ago for psych and all my work will be turned in. Then I just have to take this chem test tomorrow, and then... I'M DONE WITH THIS FREAKIN' TERM!

I will be such a happy gal, hehe. And then there will be Thursday, get to see my girl Beck!

I want to go out of state so bad. I've been stuck in Oregon since before last summer I think. That is just too long to go without some sort of vacation... stupid last summer... I so would have gone on trips if I had been home... If I had the money, I know exactly where I'd be going too... *sigh* waiting for the summer to come...

2006-03-19T21:49:00.000-08:00

I love how I'm not even done with my first paper yet and yet, I keep thinking of moments I want to capture to write down in here... blogger, it helps alot, it really does (n't?). Well, for one thing, I'm not getting my papers written any faster...

Ok, so first off, congrats to yet another couple from the conference center on getting engaged!!!!! That makes four couples, four! So crazy, but so cute!

Which reminds me... I'm supposed to drive down there sometime soon to catch up with a bunch of peeps. And maybe, just maybe... I can climb my beloved rock! Nah... tide will be in too far still me thinks, but there is always the summer!

There was something else I had to say... um... crap, well, there goes that captured moment... haha. Grr... this is going to bug me, meh, oh well... I want to watch something entertaining... I think I'll watch a kids movie tonight! I can't wait for Ice Age 2 to come out, hehehe

2006-03-19T20:36:00.000-08:00

NEEDED A HAPPIER PICTURE BACK IN HERE :)

haha, I was beginning to scare myself!

Oh and everyone is getting such a kick out of my cute little Lateda... and George is just being George... lazy bum, haha

Lateda's rolling all over my room in her plastic ball, so cute!

I love Train... *sigh*

Sugar Pie Honey Bunch

2006-03-19T18:28:00.000-08:00

such a cute song, hehe

Today has been quite entertaining, I must say... Rather interesting conversations with my sisters friends while out to dinner...

"my fortune cookie's fortune is smarter than me" - it was true

And I totally almost overfilled my ice cream bowl. I couldn't get the machine shut off and the ice cream kept flowing and flowing into my bowl... thankfully my dad was there to flip the switch off, haha.

My weekend has actually gone pretty well. I liked the point they were trying to get across in church this morning, now, to apply it to my life: I'm going to try and be happier about life itself, and not only have faith, but apply some actions behind faith as well. You know what I think is missing? Interacting with kids every once in a while... I miss my kids! And, I want to go somewhere to help kids out again, I really do. Maybe I'll go back down to Mexico sometime. Kids just make me feel, I dont know how to explain it, but I truly love them. It's teenagers I can't stand! Haha. Hmm, maybe I can find a job involving kids over the summer, I'll have to talk to Abdiel and Ariel about this kids club thing they work for. My family picked out a little girl to support through worldvision today, she is the cutest thing ever from Columbia, and she looks like this one girl who used to go to the Dilley Church, and this other little girl who clung to us in Mexico. Such a darling, hee hee.

Anywho, the only bad thing today was finding out my grade on my paper for System Earth. So apparently, I did worse on this one than on the last one. I could strangle him, I really could. I felt good after writing that thing. I guess this just justifies it: Mandy hates anything to do with the environment now and hates writing about it. You want my viewpoint? Just leave the forests alone, let nature take its course, stop trying to control it. Do I really need to write about the controversies between loggers and wildlife advocates? It's quite obvious... Do I really need to write about how stupidity has killed some forest area? No... Ugh, so glad I'm dropping that class. And to think - I didn't even have to take it... if I could only go back in time... My mentor for that class overheard me telling a guy that I found out I didn't even have to take it in the first place and she was like "oh my gosh, are you pissed?", I laughed and said yes... hehe. I'll miss my mentor, she's awesome!

Ok, so I really need to start these papers now... Gah, another headache... Ibuprofen = best friend! :)

2006-03-18T21:59:00.000-08:00

5 papers, two more days... Yah, I can get it done.

So, today was awesome. Alicia and I had another one of our hangout days and got coffee at starbucks... and mr. starbucks was working there again today! Chris wasn't there, that kid... when we will ever get a hold of each other is a very good question. He randomly called my phone while I was in psych class yesterday... it was like 10 in the morning, honestly... And it was funny too, cause Sara and I had just finished having a discussion about how neither of us ever get phone calls - ever! And then, a few minutes later, a phone started buzzing... yah, twas mine... And Chris of all people (not mary's chris mind you). Yah, Sara basically looked at me when I was like, whoa, it's my phone, and she said "you suck". Haha, I couldn't help it... So anywho, still didn't get ahold of the twerp when trying to call back later... Me thinks he accidentally called me, he didn't leave a message or anything, so I dunno. It was kinda weird, haven't talked to him since like October... Meh, whatever. Anywho, so it was awesome hanging out with Alicia. We both got to complain about how we hate our roommates boyfriends and how much people from high school have changed. We had a lot of good conversations today. It was definately needed.

Last night was interesting... Twas my second volunteer shift to get extra credit... and I hadn't really thought about it at the time of signing up, but when there is clean up... not very many girls show up for that sort of thing... My friend Sukmani was there for the first half an hour maybe, but she eventally disappeared, and by the end of the night, I was there with like 10 guys thinking... can I just go? I stuck to picking up garbage all over the gym and picking up papers off the tables... It was cool to look at some of the project boards tho.

Oh and why must every single party, activity, whatever, involve pizza? Someone really needs to invent another sort of party favor food. At setup on thursday, we had pizza. Last night at clean up, we had pizza. On tuesday for our system earth class, we are having pizza. Pizza is given at every meal in the dorm. Let's just say, I am sick of pizza. I've never been that big on it to begin with. I can remember when I was little, someone would ask us kids what our favorite food was, and in school, everyone else's answer always seemed to be pizza, but it never was mine...

Anywho, I can't wait for summer! Spring Break hasn't even started yet, and I can't wait for summer... I started bringing stuff from my dorm back home already. I mean, I live here during the weekends, so whynot just start making my room at home look like my room instead of my dad's "office"? I'm doing a pretty good job too... definately looks like a teenager lives here again. I brought more stuff home this time cause spring break is coming up. I'll just be spending two nights in portland this next week, so I figured I might as well bring home my animals and extra stuff I'll be needing...

Thursday I have my meeting with an advisor at OSU. That should be interesting. I got a letter from them yesterday saying they received my application, all they need now are transcripts. If it were possible for me to find living arrangements, I'd so transfer over there next term, but, then I'd still have to make payments on the dorm in portland... so I guess I'll stay.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday, and apparently Alicia's sister's bday too. We had forgotten that they shared the same birthday, one year apart... Clarissa is going to be 15, I feel so old... I was telling Miranda today that I will really feel old once Leah hits 13... I'll be like 21 then... Funny... I'm so not old whatsoever...

Well, I guess I should at least start on a paper tonight... I can't believe this term is almost over. It just flew by, and it sucked - big time. And I think I know why. Alicia once brought to my attention that maybe it was something like this: I now knew what I wanted in life, and the route I've had to take doesn't follow what I have had in mind, therefore having to live a life I didn't want, in order to get there... If that made any sense, it makes perfect sense to me, duh mandy cuz you wrote it... In conclusion, I have to continue living out this part of my life till summer, then next fall, I can finally start living the way I want to live, which would make me happy and not so depressed all the time. Blah, that was a mouthful, hehe.

Oh, and one more thing, I was really surprised to see so many people on campus wearing green yesterday... I got in trouble by Kristen... and then by Pat (mary's ex)... "where's your green", "oh, it's in my closet"... at least we are grown up enough to not pinch each other... I think I would have kicked someone if they tried touching me... me dont like that... haha

So, So, So

2006-03-17T14:23:00.000-08:00

So apparently you can't change the look of blogger by trying to modify the html code... the preview lies! I spent quite a while making my background and everything look awesome (black of course), kept checking the preview to make sure the page would look alright and that whatever was changed had been the correct thing. So I get to a stopping point... the preview looked awesome. I save the changes, republished my blog, and... I was so angry, everything I had done had gone haywire, the whole page was mostly white and everything was just gone.

So then, I had to copy the now-screwed-up-code, put it in word so I could replace the old edits I had (links to other friends blogs, etc.), then just put in the old background I had to begin with, pretty much starting over with a clean slate... After that, I just added in what there had been before, and even inserted a few new links (to both my myspace accounts, psu site), and finally figured out how to put the damn footer in there, and now it's back to where it was before pretty much.

So frustrating! I guess I'll stick to myspace to mess with graphics... Needless to say, last night was not a good night.

Although, having everything set back to the green color fit in nicely with today being St. Patrick's Day, it wore it for me... Happy St. Patrick's Day world...

2006-03-16T17:20:00.000-08:00

this is funny... two different people have told me that one of my pictures (I put it as my picture in here) looks like the cover of the evanescence cd... that is so freakin' awesome! I guess my inner darkness comes through in pictures...

k, i'm done posting for today, i think...